The Emotional Life of the Toddler - Couverture rigide

Lieberman, Alicia

Couverture rigide

ISBN 10 : 0029190215 ISBN 13 : 9780029190210

Editeur : The Free Press, 1993

Synopsis

Book by Alicia Lieberman

A propos du livre

Extrait :

CHAPTER ONE The Emotional Importance of Early Relationships CHAPTER ONE The Emotional Importance of Early Relationships

LIVING WITH A CHILD BETWEEN 1 AND 3 YEARS OLD IS AN EXHILARATING experience. Who else could show us so convincingly that a wet, muddy leaf lying on the ground is actually a hidden marvel, or that splashing in the bathtub can bring ultimate joy? Toddlers have the gift of living in the moment and finding wonder in the ordinary. They share those gifts by helping the adults they love to reconnect with the simple pleasures of life.

But toddlers have dark moments too. They are notoriously willful and unpredictable, and their behavior can be difficult to understand and strenuous to handle. At times parents find themselves caught in a contest of wills, vaguely embarrassed at being unable to win more handily at this uneven match. Other times they are simply at a loss. It is hard to fathom what the child is asking for, and the child cannot explain. He or she can only act, repeating the same behavior again and again until the parent finally deciphers the message and comes up with an appropriate response.

The examples of toddler behavior begging for an explanation are multiple.

Blair hits his head against the wall if he is angry or frustrated.

Eddy cries with hunger but rejects every choice his mother offers him for dinner.

Sandra screams and tries to hide when she sees the picture of an elephant in a children’s book.

Lenya lets go of her father’s hand and runs toward a horse galloping in the field next to her house.

Mary looks for her mother all over the house only to run out of the room as soon as she finds her.

Marty goes back and forth between crying to be held and demanding to be put down.

These and many other behaviors defy adult logic. Why would a child seek pain, choose to stay hungry, become terrified of a harmless picture, rush into danger, search for her mother only to run away from her, or want comforting while rejecting it at the same time?

While inexplicable from the perspective of grownups, these reactions make perfect sense from the viewpoint of a child who is 1, 2, or 3 years old. This book tries to explain why this is so. The ideas presented are my personal synthesis of child observation, clinical work with toddlers and their families, theories of development, and current research findings. The organizing themes come from attachment theory, which was developed by psychoanalyst John Bowlby and psychologist Mary Ainsworth to explain the intense need that all children in the first three years of life have for a close relationship with the mother and a small number of cherished adults. The basic premise of attachment theory is that toddlers can grow into autonomous and competent children only if they can rely on an adult who makes them feel safe and protected. From this basic feeling of security grows the impetus to try out new skills and learn how things work in the world.

The most important emotional accomplishment of the toddler years is reconciling the urge to become competent and self-reliant with the longing for parental love and protection. This process is apparent in the behavior of toddlers who have just mastered walking on their own. The child moves back and forth between staying close to the parent, moving away to do things on his own, and going back to the parent to share discoveries, to be comforted, or simply to “recharge batteries” with a hug or a cuddle before going off yet again for another bout of autonomous activity.

Parents serve as the home base for the toddler’s explorations. When they respond to the child’s experiences with encouragement and understanding, this home base becomes a secure base. The child derives a feeling of security from the parent’s support, and this security generates the self-confidence to seek larger horizons.

Different toddlers use the secure base provided by the parents in different ways. Some children are by temperament shy and retiring, and they need more time close to the parents before they are ready to explore on their own. Other children can hardly be held back because they are very active and enthralled by novelty. The temperamental tendencies of toddlers put their own individual stamp on how they use their parents as a secure base for their explorations.

Yet most parents are neither fixed in one place nor infinitely available. The secure base is human, and the parent has to attend to aspects of life other than being responsive to the child. The separate needs and wishes of parents and toddlers have to be negotiated and balanced in a mutually satisfactory way, and what “satisfactory” means changes in the course of development.

When the child first begins to walk, parents postpone or adjust many of their own wishes and plans because the new physical and emotional demands of locomotion often call for immediate and sustained attention. As toddlers get firmer on their feet and acquire greater self-control between about 18 and 24 months, parents are under less pressure to defer to the child. They increasingly expect the toddler to adjust to their plans and wishes rather than the other way around.

This is the time when many of the socialization pressures begin. Older toddlers are asked to learn many new things in a relatively short period of time. They are expected to relinquish the satisfactions of being a baby and trade them in for the more ambiguous pleasures of growing up. Many a toddler feels that toilet training, giving up the bottle, and complying with the rules of the household are more trouble than they were worth. They respond by refusing to do things before they are ready and by throwing a tantrum if all else fails. Yet these protests come at an emotional cost. Toddlers are scared that displeasing their parents will result in losing their love, and this fear finds expression in the common difficulties of toddlerhood, such as separation anxiety, sleep disturbances, and inexplicable fears.

In responding to the needs of the older toddler, the function of parents as protectors undergoes a transformation. They can no longer serve primarily as an external secure base that anchors the child’s comings and goings. They must now help the child become a partner in sorting out disagreements and finding solutions that will preserve mutual good will. This partnership leads to a more complex feeling of security that is based on the child’s growing feeling of competence in conflict resolution.

Partnership is a reliable ally for the child in times of grief, anger, and frustration because it serves as a protection from despair and emotional collapse. The child learns that he or she can go through difficult times and recover from them. Through the emotional partnership between parent and child, the supportive function of the parent becomes a part of the child. What at first was an external secure base becomes internal. The child comes to carry the parents’ care and protectiveness inside of him wherever he goes.

Partnerships are not always harmonious, because disagreements cannot be invariably worked out to both partners’ satisfaction. This is probably more true of the toddler years than of any other age until adolescence. Temper tantrums, screaming, defiance, physical aggression, sulking, and alienation are frequent components of family life in raising a toddler. This is as it needs to be. It is neither possible nor desirable to be always attuned to the moods of children because this thwarts their need to test and enrich their individuality by standing up to adult authority. What is possible and desirable is to cultivate an attitude of partnership: to be willing to listen, acknowledge that parents and children at times have different goals, try to reconcile the differences, and agree to disagree if this is not possible.


The partnership between parent and child by necessity has to remain unequal for a long time. The child may feel strongly about his or her goals, but it is the parent who is raising the child and not vice versa. While retaining their empathy, adults need to achieve the self-confidence to have the last word when they are not being cruel or unreasonably arbitrary. Parental firmness reassures the child that the grownups he or she loves know what they are doing and can be trusted to do the right thing.

Every aspect of the toddler’s development is influenced by the presence or absence of a secure base and a partnership between parent and child. Milestones like toilet training and common anxieties like fear of separation and sleep disturbances can be understood better from this perspective. Even the child’s responses to external events like the beginning of child care or parental divorce become clearer and easier to manage in light of these concepts. The chapters that follow describe how toddlers think, feel, and respond to the challenges of growing up, and how parents can help them meet these challenges with greater self-confidence and joy.

Parents and children help each other to grow. In raising their children, parents are also raising themselves. Child rearing gives parents the chance to redo their own childhood and to improve on it. This book will do its job if it helps parents to raise their toddlers in the way they wish they had been raised.

Revue de presse :

PRAISE FOR THE EMOTIONAL LIFE OF THE TODDLER BY ALICIA LIEBERMAN

 

“Alicia Lieberman is a toddler-whisperer, illuminating the art and science of this important period of life in informative ways that will enable parents to gain important insights into the mind and behavior of their child.  With clear and concise summaries of research findings highlighting developmental milestones of this age woven with practical examples families face in everyday life, this second edition of her classic work is a gift to parents and children alike.” 
—Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., Clinical Professor, UCLA School of Medicine

“A gift to all—not only to today’s parents—but to all those who work with toddlers and their parents. From tantrums to screen-time, from toilet training to trauma—and so much more, Lieberman illuminates every aspect of toddlerhood with understanding, empathy, care, experience, research, and wisdom, while at the same time respecting cultural differences and values and the fast-paced lives of today’s families.”
—Robie H. Harris, celebrated children’s book author of It’s Perfectly Normal and It’s so Amazing

“Dr. Alicia Lieberman is a brilliant clinician and one of the most sage voices of our era in the field of early childhood development. As we learn more and more about the critical nature of the earliest years in forming the foundation of lifelong health, this second edition of The Emotional Life of the Toddler could not come at a more important time.  Clear and wise, The Emotional Life of the Toddler is an essential guide for clinicians, parents, caregivers and anyone who has a little one in their lives.  For me, a pediatrician and the parent of a toddler, this book is a blessing.”
—Nadine Burke Harris, MD, Founder and CEO, Center for Youth Wellness

“The Emotional Life of the Toddler is a wise and kind book about a fascinating and sometimes exhausting stage of life; it will help parents understand and appreciate all that is happening as their young children develop, and it will also help them navigate the complexities of life with toddlers.”
—Perri Klass, MD, Professor of Journalism and Pediatrics, NYU

À propos de cette édition

• Éditeur: The Free Press
• Date d'édition: 1993
• ISBN 10: 0029190215
• ISBN 13: 9780029190210
• Reliure: Relié
• Nombre de pages: 248