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Mitchell, Andie It Was Me All Along: A Memoir ISBN 13 : 9780770433246

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9780770433246: It Was Me All Along: A Memoir
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Introduction
 
IF YOU WERE NOT ABLE TO ATTEND my twentieth birthday party, you missed a fabulous cake.
And if, by chance, you were able to attend my twentieth birth­day party, you, too, missed a fabulous cake.

In fact, everyone did, save for me.

I can remember carving the first slice, taking the first forkful. The rush of whipped sugar speeding through my bloodstream. It felt like teetering on the ledge on the roof of a skyscraper, exhilarat­ing and terrifying. The split-second decision between balance and oblivion.
What I cannot remember, however, is the exact moment I made the decision to eat the whole thing.

Scraping the sides of the mixing bowl, I began to notice just how satiny the fudge batter was. I made swirls and figure eights with my spatula. In transferring heaping spoonfuls of espresso-hued chocolate cream to the cake tins, I reveled in the lightness of texture, the airiness of what I was working with. A scoop in the pan, a scoop in the mouth. I then watched through the oven door as the cakes materialized, rising to fill their nine-inch pans.

Ten minutes into the baking, the air in my apartment was so saturated with the aroma of chocolate that I lost the ability to focus on anything but that cake. Though I had already eaten lunch and cake batter, a new hunger appeared, unexpected and urgent, the kind that forced me to stop whatever I was doing and tend to it. It was the kind I couldn’t ignore, the one that wrestled away my power, every hidden weapon of will, and thrust me into the kitchen, where it always seemed I’d run out of milk and self-control.

While the cake cooled, I bided time by making the frosting, following the same rigorous taste-testing protocol as I had with the cake. Once my mixing bowl was full of glossy stiff peaks, I iced both layers. I carved one perfect slice, dragging my index finger along the flat side of the knife to collect any wayward fudgy crumbs, and brought it to my mouth for a thorough licking. I ate the slice of cake with fervor, as if intently pursuing something. I devoured a second slice, and then a third, trailed hastily by another three. I carved one more, reasoning that would just about do it, but, oh—look at the crooked edge I’d produced with my shoddy knife skills. A sliver more would straighten it. I whittled away at the frosting, and, finally sure that enough was enough, I walked away from the cake and laid my fork and knife in the sink. I turned back to the cake stand and, in one painful glance, saw all that remained. A single slice.

Guilt has a way of resisting digestion. There’s nothing natu­ral about its aggressive spread. It stretches out inside me, doubles its size by uncurling its chubby arms and legs. It kicks and groans every slip of the way down. It reminds me, shames me, at every twist, every turn. And when it plops down at last upon the base of my stomach, it stays for days, unwelcome.
When it finally begins to dissolve in a halfhearted effort to leave me, particles of self-hatred remain. And hatred, like acid, erodes the whole of its environment.

What begins as hating the cake for all its multiple layers of lus­cious temptation spirals quickly into hating myself and all my fat cells. I let myself down. I lament not having more control. I crave comfort and reassurance, but the shame pushes me to choose pun­ishment instead; it’s all I deserve. And though crying seems a valid option, tears elude me. Instead, I stay stuck internally, bottled and sealed inside my own skin with the acidity of hatred and guilt and shame.
 
Today, eight years later, I’m standing again at my kitchen counter, tending to the same fudge cake. I’m gently lowering the top layer onto its frosting pillow. I’ve baked this cake enough times that I don’t even have to take a bite to know the rich velvet of its texture. It has always been decadent, always as intense as a square of high-quality dark chocolate. A forkful makes me know that, were I able to suspend hot fudge in air just long enough to hold it and bite into it, just to taste it during the moments before it oozed, thick on my tongue, it’d be the same as this cake.

And then there’s the frosting: a whipped confection with a tex­ture that lies somewhere between the airiness in a cloud of cot­ton candy and the fluffy marshmallow filling in a 3 Musketeers candy bar.

Swiping a finger through that frosting, I stop. I consider how wildly my feelings about eating this one cake have swung in the last seven years. Since that time, I have lost 135 pounds. The weight has left my body and, with it, the guilt, the shame, and the hatred, too. I think briefly of the days when the very sight of a confec­tion induced a seductive fantasy of eating it all in secret. Maybe it’s knowing that I could get away with it, the acknowledgment that I could eat it all without anyone ever seeing me do it, that gives me pause today.

I am a lifetime practitioner of secretive eating, after all. As a kid who entered an empty house after school each day, I felt a despera­tion to eat. I knew no way other than eating to alleviate the loneli­ness, to fill in the spaces where comfort and security could have been. Food poured over the millions of cracks in the foundation of my family; it seeped into the fissures; it narrowed the chasms. But even then I knew that the amount of food I was consuming was something to be ashamed of. So I learned to hide it well. I stuffed twin packs of Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls deep inside my stom­ach, tightly tucking them away. I plunged their cellophane wrap­pers even deeper inside the trash can, where they couldn’t be seen without digging.
Until the year of my twentieth birthday, I lugged around the heavy shame of my eating. I’d devour a steak-and-cheese sandwich on the way home to eat dinner with my family. I’d find myself two days into a new diet, alone in my car, pulling through the drive-through window of the Burger King two towns over—the one where I was certain no one would recognize me. I’d griddle three stacks of pancakes in the mornings after Mom had left for work, stab my fork into the thick, cakey center of each one, and then slosh the bite through puddles of maple syrup and melted butter.

But today, eating ceaselessly in private doesn’t lure me the way it once did. It doesn’t seduce me in the same sexy way. In fact, there were years after having lost one-hundred-plus pounds when the sight of this fudge cake didn’t conjure up fantasy, but fear—a few birthdays when I spent the hours and days leading up to the cake searching my mind desperately for ways to escape eating it. I thought of excuses. I thought of ways to chew the cake in front of friends and family and spit it out in my napkin in the privacy of the next room. Three birthdays came and went without my so much as licking the frosting that touched my fingers while icing the layers.
The thinness I’d achieved came with its own brand of indignity. It was the fear of gaining back each pound, of proving myself a fail­ure, that plagued me. It was the fatness of my shadow that followed me into the dark alley of an eating disorder. And just as I always had, I stuffed the shame so far down that no one could see it but me. For the first time, I appeared healthy on the outside. I wanted badly to conceal the fact that, despite a radical transformation, I remained as screwed up as I had ever been.

I lied about just having eaten to eschew offers of food at the dinner table with my family. I drove in circles in my neighborhood, unsure of how to fill the hours on an empty stomach. I bought snacks I had no intention of eating when I went to the movie the­ater with friends. I doggie-bagged the leftovers at restaurants, only to plunge them into the trash can the moment I arrived home. Even after rekindling my passion for baking, I restricted myself to the smallest of portions and gave the rest away.

Making this cake now, a few years later, I see how starkly black and white my beliefs had been. I see the tragedy in living an all-or-nothing existence, in teetering on top of that skyscraper and feeling forced to choose between standing paralyzed in fear or hurling myself over the edge in ecstasy. I recognize the pain of white-knuckling my way through life. I recognize the internal chaos of barreling through life in bouts of mania and depression. The alternative, the middle ground, is balance. It’s not wishing to stay or to fall; it’s remaining upright, respecting the boundary of the rooftop and admiring the exhilaration, the strength, of stand­ing so high.
By now I’ve changed dramatically. I can, I want to, I choose to eat a full slice of this cake and love deeply all the many bites I take. I linger on the cocoa flavor, the suede texture, and, when one piece has reached its clean-plate end, I don’t look for another to replace it. I share this cake. I eat it out in the open, in a loud and proud manner. I take pride in having baked something so rich, so true and divine. I won’t eat until I can no longer feel anything but the stretching of my stomach, the growing of my guilt.

Every year since losing all the weight, I’ve baked this sour cream fudge cake. And every year, I’ve felt different about the finished product. How has one innocent cake transformed from abusive lover to healthy companion, while I’ve continued to bake it just the same?

Has the taste changed, or, perhaps, have I?
Revue de presse :
“Andie Mitchell draws you in from the first cupcake—you taste the creamy frosting, feel every hunger pang, and your heart aches right along with hers. She beautifully exposes the dark and painful struggles of weight loss, food addiction, and self-hate that so many in this country face. Her journey to mental and physical health—the long road to overcoming her obsessive behavior—is so relatable you can’t help but love and cheer for her. Read this book because it offers wonderful lessons for healthy living, being kind to yourself, and finding balance. Read it because it's heartbreakingly honest and endearingly educational. Just READ IT!”
—Alison Sweeney, host of NBC’s The Biggest Loser
 
“Loving yourself is the bravest thing, and I'm so glad Andie found her bravery and was willing to share it. Cheers to chocolate cake in moderation and happiness in abundance!"
—Giada De Laurentiis, author of Giada’s Feel Good Food
 
“Andie's story, in which she takes us along for her 135-pound weight loss journey and makes peace with food, is remarkable. She chooses to see the positives from her past, and she realizes that who she was when she was bigger molded her into the person she is today. Andie is an inspiration to anyone who struggles with the challenges of dieting and weight loss.”
—Gina Homolka, author of The Skinnytaste Cookbook

 “A charming memoir about weight loss and self-discovery.”
People magazine
 
 “The book’s biggest surprise is how relatable it is: Beneath the extreme eating scenarios Mitchell describes some universal truths about how women connect and clash with food. ...It Was Me All Along is the perfect book to read in January, because Mitchell’s total bluntness will inspire you to have a more honest year.”
—Glamour.com
 
 “Anyone embarking on New Year’s resolutions of eating healthier and losing weight will be humbled by reading Andie Mitchell’s memoir, a poetically written, honest account of her struggles with binging, obesity and the traumatic childhood that led her to seek solace in food.”
—StyleBistro.com
 
“In a moving new memoir, It Was Me All Along, Andie Mitchell describes how her life became a prison of calorie-counting, cravings and self-consciousness until she found a comfortable weight.”
Daily Mail
 
 “Mitchell’s journey towards acceptance, chronicled in her new memoir, It Was Me All Along, has struck a chord with women everywhere.”
—Yahoo! News
 
It Was Me All Along is the strikingly honest story of one woman’s long journey to self-acceptance. It’s a must-read memoir for anyone who has used food to numb the pain rather than nourish the body.”
BookPage
 
“A candid and inspiring memoir.”
Kirkus Reviews

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  • ÉditeurClarkson Potter
  • Date d'édition2015
  • ISBN 10 0770433243
  • ISBN 13 9780770433246
  • ReliureRelié
  • Nombre de pages240
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Description du livre Hardcover. Etat : new. Hardcover. A young food blogger shares her inspiring story of incredible weight loss-a journey from nearly 300 pounds to losing more than half her size-and establishing a healthy and confident relationship with food.NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLERA heartbreakingly honest, endearing memoir of incredible weight loss by a young food blogger who battles body image issues and overcomes food addiction to find self-acceptance.All her life, Andie Mitchell had eaten lustily and mindlessly. Food was her babysitter, her best friend, her confidant, and it provided a refuge from her fractured family. But when she stepped on the scale on her twentieth birthday and it registered a shocking 268 pounds, she knew she had to change the way she thought about food and herself; that her life was at stake.It Was Me All Along takes Andie from working class Boston to the romantic streets of Rome, from morbidly obese to half her size, from seeking comfort in anything that came cream-filled and two-to-a-pack to finding balance in exquisite (but modest) bowls of handmade pasta. This story is about much more than a woman who loves food and abhors her body. It is about someone who made changes when her situation seemed too far gone and how she discovered balance in an off-kilter world. More than anything, though, it is the story of her finding beauty in acceptance and learning to love all parts of herself. A memoir of weight loss by a young food blogger who battles body image issues and overcomes food addiction to find self-acceptance. Shipping may be from multiple locations in the US or from the UK, depending on stock availability. N° de réf. du vendeur 9780770433246

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