I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough"

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Researcher and thought leader Dr. BrenE Brown offers a liberating study on the importance of our imperfections--both to our relationships and to our own sense of selfThe quest for perfection is exhausting and unrelenting. There is a constant barrage of social expectations that teach us that being imperfect is synonymous with being inadequate. Everywhere we turn, there are messages that tell us who, what and how we're supposed to be. So, we learn to hide our struggles and protect ourselves from shame, judgment, criticism and blame by seeking safety in pretending and perfection. Dr. BrenE Brown, Ph.D., LMSW, is the leading authority on the power of vulnerability, and has inspired thousands through her top-selling book "The Gifts of Imperfection," wildly popular TEDx talk, and a PBS special. Based on seven years of her ground-breaking research and hundreds of interviews, "I Thought It Was Just Me" shines a long-overdue light on an important truth: Our imperfections are what connect us to each other and to our humanity. Our vulnerabilities are not weaknesses; they are powerful reminders to keep our hearts and minds open to the reality that we're all in this together. Dr. Brown writes, "We need our lives back. It's time to reclaim the gifts of imperfection--the courage to be real, the compassion we need to love ourselves and others, and the connection that gives true purpose and meaning to life. These are the gifts that bring love, laughter, gratitude, empathy and joy into our lives."

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Extrait :

Table of Contents

 

Title Page

Copyright Page

Dedication

Acknowledgements

INTRODUCTION

 

ONE - Understanding Shame

TWO - Shame Resilience and the Power of Empathy

THREE - The First Element: Recognizing Shame and Understanding Our Triggers

FOUR - The Second Element: Practicing Critical Awareness

FIVE - The Third Element: Reaching Out

SIX - The Fourth Element: Speaking Shame

SEVEN - Practicing Courage in a Culture of Fear

EIGHT - Practicing Compassion in a Culture of Blame

NINE - Practicing Connection in a Culture of Disconnection

TEN - Creating a Culture of Connection

 

RECOMMENDATIONS, RESOURCES AND REFERENCES

INDEX

About the Author

GOTHAM BOOKS
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Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

 
Published by Gotham Books, a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

 
First printing, February 2007

 
Copyright © 2007 by Brené Brown

 
All rights reserved

 
“Shame” © 1988 by Vern Rutsala is reprinted with permission of the author.

 
Gotham Books and the skyscraper logo are trademarks of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA
Brown, C. Brené
I thought it was just me : women reclaiming power and courage in a culture of shame /
Brené Brown.
p. cm.

ISBN: 9781440622229

1. Women—Psychology. 2. Shame. I. Title.
HQ1206.B765 2007
152.4’4082—dc22 2006026945

 
Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

 
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While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party Web sites or their content.

FOR THE WOMEN WHO INSPIRE ME

 
my mom
my sisters
my daughter
my friends
my teachers
my students
my sister social workers
the artists and activists
the researchers and writers
the women who shared their stories to make this work possible

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Writing this book has fundamentally changed my life. Every time it became too hard, I thought about the research participants who contributed to this book and to my understanding of shame. They courageously shared their experiences based only on their faith in my promise to be honest and accurate with their stories. Each and every one willingly embraced their fears in order for us to learn. I cannot thank them enough. I sincerely hope they find that this book honors the spirit of their contributions, their work and their wisdom.

In addition to the women who shared their stories with me, I owe an extraordinary debt to the people who both personally and professionally supported me through this process and helped me bring this work to life. Personally, I could not have done this without the love, support and courage of my husband, Steve. I was absolutely sustained by his faith in my ability, his respect for my work and his commitment to our family. I’m equally grateful for what a wonderful father he is and for his ability to make me laugh.

My children, Ellen and Charlie, fill my life with love and laughter. They inspire me, keep me grounded and make it very difficult for me to take myself too seriously.

In many different ways, this work would not be possible without my parents. Their greatest gifts have been what they have taught me and continue to teach me. From my mother, Deanne Rogers, I’ve learned about courage, strength and perseverance. Chuck Brown, my father, gave me the gifts of critical thinking, debate and activism. These lessons helped me realize my dream of finishing my Ph.D. and writing this book. To my mother’s partner David and my dad’s partner Molly, I thank you for your willingness to embrace our family and share your lives with us. I also want to acknowledge my grandmother, Ellen, who was also an inspiration to me. I try to carry her spirit and kindness with me.

To my brother, Jason, and my sisters, Ashley and Barrett, we are on a special journey together and I’m so grateful to be sharing it with you. Our history, love and laughter are important forces in my life. To Mike, Ashley’s husband, and Amaya, my beautiful niece, thank you for bringing so much joy to our family. To Audrey, Jason’s wife, we’re glad you’re here—you’ve always felt like family.

When I married Steve I inherited a wonderful family. To Corky and Jack, Bill and Jacobina, Memo, Bebo and David, it is impossible for me to think of my life without you—you are my family.

I have had the extraordinary fortune of working with people who are both colleagues and good friends. I am forever indebted to my dear friend, Charles Kiley, who has generously walked every step of this journey with me. I couldn’t have done it without him. I also owe special thanks to my friends, colleagues and sister social workers, Dawn Fey Hedgepeth, Cheryl Dunn and Beverly McPhail. Their willingness to share their expertise and experiences contributed greatly to this book. I want to thank illustrator David Robinson and graphic designer Doni Hieronymus, for their artistic contributions. I also want to acknowledge Cole Schweikhardt of Squidz Ink Design and Daniel Levine and Marian Mankin of DMLCo for their support and help with my Web site.

I am so lucky to be surrounded by wonderful friends and mentors. I wish there was some way, beyond a simple thank you, to let the following women know how much they’ve touched my life: Angela Blanchard, Margarita Flores, Karen Holmes, Jean Latting, Ann McFarland, Barb Nowak, Susan Robbins, Ruth Rubio, Karen Stout, Susan Turell, Jody Williams and Laura Williams.

I am also fortunate to be affiliated with two outstanding organizations. First, I want to thank the faculty, staff and students at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. It is a true privilege to be a social worker and part of this learning community. Second, I want to acknowledge the Nobel Women’s Initiative. I am grateful for the opportunity to work with such wise and wonderful activists, scholars and peace-builders.

There is a third group of activists and scholars I’d like to thank—a group of women who have changed the way I look at myself and at the world. My mother gave me a copy of Harriet Lerner’s book, The Dance of Anger, when I was in my early twenties. It was my first nonfiction psychology book. I remember reading it and thinking, “I’m not alone!” By the third chapter, I had fallen in love with the power of books. When I started teaching, I carried bell hooks’s book, Teaching to Transgress, with me at all times. Jean Kilbourne’s book, Can’t Buy My Love, forever changed the way I watch TV, read magazines and listen to music. I turned to the Stone Center at Wellesley to better understand who I wanted to be in the context of my social work career. I still buy Mary Pipher’s book Reviving Ophelia for all of my friends with daughters, and her new book, Writing to Change the World, is required reading for my students. The list of authors who have changed my life is endless; however, these powerful women have certainly made the greatest impression. I thank them for making this a better world and for forging the path for what has now become my career.

Last, I want to thank the people who believed enough in this work to turn it into a book—something I don’t take for granted. I extend a heartfelt thanks to my agent, Stephanie von Hirschberg, for lending her wisdom, integrity and sense of balance to this process. To my editor, Erin Moore, I feel so fortunate to work with a woman who embodies the authenticity, courage and compassion I write about in my book—thank you. I also want to recognize the other team members at Gotham Books—Bill Shinker, Jessica Sindler, Lisa Johnson, Ashwini Ramaswamy and the great folks behind the scenes who turned my dangling modifiers into coherent sentences and my crumpled pages into a beautiful book.

INTRODUCTION

When people hear the word shame, they often have one of two responses: “I’m not sure what you mean by shame, but I know that I don’t want to talk about it,” or “Oh, shame. I know it well, but I don’t want to talk about it.” As a shame researcher, I understand our reluctance to talk about it—shame is so powerful that we sometimes feel shame just talking about shame. But after spending six years interviewing hundreds of women about their lives, here’s what I’ve learned: We all experience shame. It is an absolutely universal emotion.

The less we understand shame and how it affects our feelings, thoughts and behaviors, the more power it exerts over our lives. However, if we can find the courage to talk about shame and the compassion to listen, we can change the way we live, love, parent, work and build relationships.

People often want to believe that shame is reserved for the unfortunate few who have survived terrible traumas, but this is not true. Shame is something we all experience. And, while it feels like shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually tends to lurk in all of the familiar places, including appearance and body image, motherhood, family, parenting, money and work, mental and physical health, addiction, sex, aging and religion.

This book offers information, insight and specific strategies for understanding shame and building “shame resilience.” We can never become completely resistant to shame; however, we can develop the resilience we need to recognize shame, move through it constructively and grow from our experiences. Across the interviews, women with high levels of shame resilience shared four things in common. I refer to these factors as the four elements of shame resilience. The four elements of shame resilience are the heart of this book. As we learn more about shame resilience and start to put the elements into practice, we can start to move through the by-products of shame—fear, blame and disconnection—and move toward the courage, compassion and connection we need to live our best, authentic lives.

I’ve dedicated my career to studying shame and its impact on women, men and children. In my study with women, I’ve had the opportunity to interview over three hundred participants of all ages, races, ethnicities and life situations. I’ve also gone back and reinterviewed sixty women who have applied some of the strategies in this book to learn what strategies have been effective and what barriers they’ve faced.

If you’re not sure of shame’s impact on our own life, it may help to read some quotes from my interviews. In these quotes, you can start to see the complex weaving of shame, fear and cultural expectations.

 
“Sex is such a big issue between me and my husband. Sometimes it’s great. Other times, I’ll start thinking about my body and how much it has changed in the past ten years. I start to feel panicked. I imagine him judging me against these ideals I have in my head. In these moments, I lose it. I’ll pick a fight or do anything to escape and get my clothes back on.”

“One day I was driving down the street in our neighborhood and I stopped next to a car full of young men at a light. They were looking over and smiling. I smiled back and even blushed a bit. Then out of nowhere, my fifteen-year-old daughter, who was sitting in the backseat with her best friend, snapped, ‘Geeez, Mom, stop looking at them. What do you think—they’re flirting with you? Get real!’ I could barely hold the tears back. How could I have been so stupid?”

 
“When I look at myself in the mirror, sometimes I’m OK. But other times I just see fat and ugly. I get totally overwhelmed—like I can barely breathe. I get sick to my stomach and disgusted. I just want to hide in the house so no one sees me.”

 
“I’m forty-one and I just went back to school to get my degree. Half of the time I don’t know what they’re talking about—I just sit there and nod my head like an idiot. I feel like a phony—like I’m not smart enough to be there. When these feelings come over me I want to just slip away . . . really, just grab my purse, slip out the back and never go back.”

 
“My life looks pretty good on the outside. Nice husband, nice house, cute kids—the whole package. On the inside it’s another story. If we didn’t care so much about what other people think, we’d get a divorce. We barely talk to each other. Both of our kids struggle in school. We have to make these outrageous contributions to the school just to make sure they don’t get kicked out. It’s getting harder and harder to keep it all together. Every now and then I know my friends see glimpses of the truth—they have to. It literally makes me sick when I feel like they can see through it all.”

 
“I constantly feel judged as a mother; like nothing I do is right or good enough. The worst is when other mothers put you down. One disapproving look from another mother can cut me to the core.”

 
“I don’t tell anyone about the things I’ve gone through—I don’t want them to feel sorry for me or think differently about me. It’s easier to keep my past to myself...

Revue de presse :

“Brown offers insights and strategies for understanding shame and overcoming its power over women… An interesting look at a debilitating emotion that stunts the potential of too many women.”

Booklist

“Brown is clearly passionate and knowledgeable about her subject and has a smooth writing style.”

Library Journal

Shame is a profoundly debilitating emotion. It drives our fears of not being good enough. We can learn to feel shame about anything that is real about us --- our shape, our accent, our financial situation, our wrinkles, our size, our illness, or how we spend our day. I Thought It Was Just Me is an urgent and compelling invitation to examine our struggles with shame and to learn valuable tools to become our best, most authentic selves. Grounded in exceptional scholarship and filled with inspiring stories, this is one of those rare books that has the potential to turn lives around.”

Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. author of The Dance of Anger

“Brené Brown has written an insightful and informative study of a subject that leaves many women feeling trapped and powerless. Her analysis of how women are often caught in shame, is in itself liberating, and her thoughtful suggestions will help readers continue to free themselves from emotional debilitation in ways they may not even realize are possible. I Thought It Was Just Me can be a doorway to freedom and self-esteem for many, many readers.”

—Martha Beck, Ph.D., columnist, O, The Oprah Magazine, and author of Finding Your Own Northstar

"Brené Brown’s ability to explore shame and resilience with humor, vulnerability and honesty is both uplifting and liberating. If we want to change our lives, our relationships or even the world, we must start by understanding and overcoming the shame that keeps us silent. This important and hopeful book offers a bold new perspective on the power of telling our stories."                                                                                   

—Professor Jody Williams, 1997 Nobel Peace Prize Recipient; Campaign Ambassador, International Campaign to Ban Landmines

"This is an important and inspiring book that offers understanding and validation to the painful feelings that come with the beliefs that we are not good enough or we should be different than who we are. Brené Brown walks us on a path that releases the shackles of inadequacy and leads us to embracing our authentic selves."

—Claudia Black, Ph.D. author of It Will Never Happen To Me

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Description du livre GOTHAM BOOKS, United States, 2008. Paperback. État : New. 201 x 135 mm. Language: English . Brand New Book. Researcher, thought leader, and New York Times bestselling author Brene Brown offers a liberating study on the importance of our imperfections--both to our relationships and to our own sense of self The quest for perfection is exhausting and unrelenting. There is a constant barrage of social expectations that teach us that being imperfect is synonymous with being inadequate. Everywhere we turn, there are messages that tell us who, what and how we re supposed to be. So, we learn to hide our struggles and protect ourselves from shame, judgment, criticism and blame by seeking safety in pretending and perfection. Dr. Brene Brown, Ph.D., LMSW, is the leading authority on the power of vulnerability, and has inspired thousands through her top-selling books Daring Greatly, Rising Strong, and The Gifts of Imperfection, her wildly popular TEDx talks, and a PBS special. Based on seven years of her ground-breaking research and hundreds of interviews, I Thought It Was Just Me shines a long-overdue light on an important truth: Our imperfections are what connect us to each other and to our humanity. Our vulnerabilities are not weaknesses; they are powerful reminders to keep our hearts and minds open to the reality that we re all in this together. Dr. Brown writes, -We need our lives back. It s time to reclaim the gifts of imperfection--the courage to be real, the compassion we need to love ourselves and others, and the connection that gives true purpose and meaning to life. These are the gifts that bring love, laughter, gratitude, empathy and joy into our lives.-. N° de réf. du libraire AAS9781592403356

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Description du livre Softcover. État : New. Researcher and thought leader Dr. Brené Brown offers a liberating study on the importance of our imperfections—both to our relationships and to our own sense of selfThe quest for perfection is exhausting and unrelenting. There is a constant barrage of social expectations that teach us that being imperfect is synonymous with being inadequate. Everywhere we turn, there are messages that tell us who, what and how we’re supposed to be. So, we learn to hide our struggles and protect ourselves from shame, judgment, criticism and blame by seeking safety in pretending and perfection.Dr. Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW, is the leading authority on the power of vulnerability, and has inspired thousands through her top-selling bookThe Gifts of Imperfection, wildly popular TEDx talk, and a PBS special. Based on seven years of her ground-breaking research and hundreds of interviews,I Thought It Was Just Me shines a long-overdue light on an important truth: Our imperfections are what connect us to each other and to our humanity. Our vulnerabilities are not weaknesses; they are powerful reminders to keep our hearts and minds open to the reality that we’re all in this together. Dr. Brown writes, "We need our lives back. It’s time to reclaim the gifts of imperfection—the courage to be real, the compassion we need to love ourselves and others, and the connection that gives true purpose and meaning to life. These are the gifts that bring love, laughter, gratitude, empathy and joy into our lives.". N° de réf. du libraire BAA-B-3336667

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