The Kindness Challenge: Thirty Days to Improve Any Relationship - Couverture rigide

Feldhahn, Shaunti

Couverture rigide

ISBN 10 : 1601421222 ISBN 13 : 9781601421227

Editeur : WaterBrook, 2016

A propos du livre

Extrait :

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle. —Philo of Alexandria 

Introduction  

Kindness Matters  

I’ve seen a remarkable pattern during a decade of surveying thousands of people about their inner insecurities and needs—a pattern that upends all our ideas about what leads us to thrive in life.  

I’ve seen what makes us miserable and what lights us up, and as you might guess, it makes a big difference when our needs are being met and when others know how to avoid hurting us. It makes a big difference when we experience fulfillment at work, and love and appreciation at home.  

But above all that is one greater factor: whether we thrive depends far more on how we choose to treat others than on how we ourselves are treated. In fact, when handled well, that one factor often leads to those other things that light us up. When handled poorly, it often leads to misery. The path to our happy place starts with one choice: whether or not to be kind. Especially when we really don’t want to be.  

In the pages ahead, we’ll tackle the surprising truth of what kindness (or unkindness) really means in practice and how easy it is to be unkind without ever realizing it. You’ll see how kindness can transform your home, romantic partnership, parenting, leadership, school, workplace, church, sports, community, governance, job. . . . Our kindness matters in so many places, and it is where and when we least want to give it that it has the greatest power to transform. 

We’ll explore how much kindness matters in our personal and professional relationships. Do you want to get along well with people and help others do the same? Most of us do. Is there a specific someone with whom you want or need a better relationship? Most of us have that too.  

It turns out the seemingly gentle quality of kindness has an explosive power, but we don’t always know how to unleash it. What are the specific, simple steps that make the difference? Why do certain actions matter so much and work so well—in any type of relationship or for our whole culture? How can you apply them so you become a person whose life is marked by kindness and so you and those around you thrive?  

I’ll be sharing the what, why, and how of the most practical and strategic answers in the chapters ahead, including a specific how-to plan that we call the 30-Day Kindness Challenge. I’ve seen this Challenge transform thousands of relationships: those between spouses, colleagues, families, and business and social partnerships. But better still, it also transforms us.  

The Life-Changing Power of Kindness 
  
If you’re like the majority of those we’ve surveyed over the years, a few things are true. Most of your people problems don’t stem from the big systemic issues but from the little ones. You don’t like living with difficulty and strain in your personal life, in your workplace, or in society at large. You are willing to show more graciousness, kindness, and generosity to have better relationships. But you’re busy, stretched, and frustrated, and you may think some little act won’t matter. Or you’ve tried everything you can think of, and those things haven’t worked. Perhaps you don’t know how or where to start, so the end result is the same: you’re living with a contentious situation that is reducing your enjoyment of life.  

Yet in most cases, it doesn’t have to be that way.  

The research is clear: so many of our everyday relationships today don’t need to be hurtful or difficult. Once your eyes are open to this, you’ll see two types of kindness that have great power to transform:  
1. Targeted kindness that is specific to one individual—for example, a spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, child, classmate, or colleague— with whom you want a better relationship.  
2. Broad kindness that impacts the many people you encounter and thus the culture at large.  

Although we’re focusing primarily on targeted kindness in this book, all the principles can be adapted broadly for society.  

It turns out that kindness is made up of three distinct elements: areas of thought, word, and action we may never have connected with kindness before. As we investigate these, most of us will discover dozens of ways we have been unkind and never realized it—ways we have been sabotaging ourselves and our personal relationships, workplace effectiveness, activities, and enjoyment of life. Becoming aware of this “kindness blindness” is a surprisingly powerful outcome all by itself, but we’ll also discover kindness strengths that we did not know mattered and upon which we can build.  

This book will help us figure out which specific elements of kindness we need to work on and how, identify specific actions we might need to do (or not do!), and then dare each of us to take the 30-Day Kindness Challenge, not just to improve a specific relationship but to be part of a culture-transforming movement. And once we put these elements into practice, that’s when our eyes will be opened to what truly matters most—both for our lives and for those relationships that are most important to us.  

Here’s what this will look like.  

Road Map for the Journey Ahead 
  
Part 1 of the book shows why kindness, above all other character traits, is particularly important for thriving in life, work, and relationships, and yet why we are so easily deluded about how kind or unkind we actually are.  

Part 2 unpacks the three elements of kindness and the 30-Day Kindness Challenge so each of us can identify our own individual patterns of kindness (or the lack of it) that we may never have noticed before.  

Finally, in Part 3 you’ll find specific tools to help put kindness into practice in the form of daily tips for whatever version of the 30-Day Kindness Challenge you choose to do. (You can also sign up for daily e-mail reminders and personal assessments at JoinTheKindnessChallenge.com—including a printable Self-Assessment Action Plan for before and after the Challenge—find links to social media tools, and get resources for doing the Challenge with others or with your organization.)  

To get the most out of this process, I suggest that you read the book with a pen and journal or notebook within reach. Circle or jot notes about those things that apply to your life and to the person (or people) with whom you want a better relationship. Capture what you most need to tackle. Then, when you actually do the 30-Day Kindness Challenge, you can track your learning and progress, as well as how the other person responds, and get advice from others. As you continue to apply that learning, you will improve how you approach that person, make adjustments, track his or her reactions to those adjustments, and so on. Soon you will have walked yourself along the road to life-altering transformation in that relationship—and in our culture.  

Want to take the Challenge? Let’s get started. 

Part I
  
Why a Little Kindness Makes a Big Difference
  
Kindness Makes the World Go Round 
The Surprising Importance of a Simple Challenge  
  
On a winter day ten years ago in Colorado, I was speaking at a women’s conference, sharing some research about men from my newly released book, For Women Only. I explained the surprising discovery that men doubt themselves far more than women realize and thus value respect even more than love. I saw a lot of interest, excitement, note-taking, and conviction as I shared what our men and our sons see as respect or appreciation—or a lack of it.  

Then came the question-and-answer time. A dark-haired woman stood up, and her pretty face was an expressionless mask. “I know you say a man’s greatest need is to feel that I respect, trust, and appreciate him. But what if I don’t?” She explained that her marriage was crumbling due to decisions her husband had made. She no longer respected him, no longer felt admiration or appreciation, and certainly didn’t want to take the actions I had just outlined. It was a contentious relationship, and she was feeling pretty hopeless.  

In the decade since then, I’ve interviewed and surveyed thousands of men, women, and teens around the world, and I have heard that dynamic many times—not just about difficult or distant spouses, but also in-laws, colleagues, kids, classmates, parents, teachers, neighbors, whole departments at the office, and rude drivers on the freeway. Every one of us has a relationship (or four) that makes us crazy or that we wish was in a better place. Every one of us also has relationships that we enjoy—and we kind of wish they were all like that. Most of us want to be the one who plays well with others, right? We want to get along with those around us.  

And sometimes that comes easily. But sometimes it doesn’t. We know we should be nicer to a fellow student, reach out to a colleague, or let that rude driver merge without being rude ourselves. We should avoid snapping at our kids, rolling our eyes behind Mom’s back, or withholding affection from a spouse. But sometimes we’ve been so hurt, frustrated, or disrespected, we’d rather vent because it feels good to say what we’re really thinking. Sometimes we’re just busy and have too many other things on our plate to worry about politeness or managing a challenging relationship. Or sometimes we muster all our self-control and leave the field of play so we don’t say what’s on our minds. We step away and ignore the conflict, throw ourselves into something else to take our minds off of it, call a friend for support, or talk with others who will understand. (We may even seek comfort from our special friends Ben & Jerry.)  
Regardless, we’re not happy with where the relationship is or where our level of irritation is, but we don’t see any path toward change. 
That’s where this Colorado woman was on that winter day when she acknowledged that although it might be her husband’s greatest need, she didn’t respect him.  

I had no idea how to answer her. So I recommended something I’d heard from author Nancy Leigh DeMoss only a few months before—a challenge to try a particular way of interacting with a husband for one month. I told the woman I was so sorry for the deep struggles in her marriage, explained Nancy’s Husband Encouragement Challenge, and suggested that she try it and see what happened. Soon after, we wrapped up the women’s conference and I flew home.  

“It Changes Everything” 
  
From the moment Nancy shared that challenge with me, it caught my attention. In the years since, I’ve investigated it in depth, adjusted and added to it, and researched it again.  

Three years after that conference, I was in another part of Colorado, speaking at a weekend women’s retreat that also included a luncheon with Focus on the Family founder Dr. James Dobson. He spoke for a few minutes and then opened the floor for questions on relationship topics. Near the end, one woman asked, “What if I have shut down in my marriage and just don’t like my husband anymore? I know he needs appreciation, I know you say he needs me to trust him, but I can’t. What do I do?”  

Dr. Dobson looked thoughtful. “Hmm, that’s a really good question.” Then with a slight twinkle in his eye (since he could have answered her in a heartbeat), he turned to me. “Shaunti?”  
Picture me gasping and thinking, Uh, no pressure! I gathered my thoughts and looked at this sorrowful woman. “I know this is such a hard time and I’m so sorry. But I do have a suggestion for you, drawn from a thirty-day challenge that we’ve been researching and experimenting with the last few years. . . .”  

After I explained the challenge, she nodded and sat down and another woman stood up. But she didn’t ask a question. Instead she turned to the other woman and said, “If you really do that, you’ll find it changes everything.”  

Then she looked at me. “You won’t remember me. But three years ago, you came to my church to do a women’s conference. My husband and I were in a really bad place. I asked a very similar question and you gave a very similar answer. Everything in me wanted to ignore every word you said. But I also didn’t want my kids to grow up in a broken home. So I did it. And it was the beginning of saving our marriage.”  

As she continued, she started to get teary eyed—and so, I must confess, did I. “My husband and I have worked through so many things. Today we have an amazing relationship. We’re not perfect, but we love being married. Our kids have a mom and dad who are now committed to each other for life.”  

Kindness Is a Battlefield 
  
Using the insight of Nancy Leigh DeMoss (now Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth) as a starting point, and via the seven hundred participants in our research study, we’ve spent years investigating, refining, testing, and quantifying specific steps that make a huge difference to any relationship. I’ll be sharing those in the pages ahead. But when it comes right down to it, the bottom line is pretty simple: be kind.  

The concept is simple, but that doesn’t mean it is effortless, in part because we really don’t know how to be kind. You may find that absurd. But I promise you: you almost certainly don’t. At least not in the way that works best. And what works best is what I’ll be walking you through in this book.  

The other reason kindness isn’t easy is that it is under siege. We live in an age and culture that have become markedly unkind in many ways. People have always had a remarkable capacity for both graciousness and harshness, but today it seems that harshness is more easily let loose.  
People today routinely say things over social media, e-mail, and text that they would never utter out loud or face to face. Road-rage confrontations are common. Politicians viciously attack each other, and television news commentators talk over each other. Mean girls openly roll their eyes at school, and bosses feel it is perfectly acceptable to express their disdain at work.  

Kindness is easily quashed unless we are purposeful about both protecting and showing it. But we often aren’t. On a cultural level, kindness simply isn’t a priority today. (Has anyone seen a reality-TV show titled The Sweetest Housewives of Atlanta lately?)1 And on a personal level, our priorities often fight against it! We are encouraged to let our feelings out, to stand up for ourselves, to look out for our rights. We hear statements like “You don’t have to take that from him,” “You show her who’s boss,” “You deserve better.” Alternatively, we’re essentially told to become cold, to back off, to withdraw, to say, “Yes, dear,” to hide our feelings here and vent them elsewhere—or to shut off our f...

Revue de presse :

“Some sociologists have called our culture the argument culture. We focus on our differences and freely shoot verbal bombs at each other. I can’t believe that any of us are happy with the divisiveness we have created. Is there a road back to civility? I believe there is, and Shaunti Feldhahn is pointing the way with The Kindness Challenge. I highly recommend this book and believe it has the potential of changing the emotional climate in our culture.”
—Gary Chapman, PhD, author of The Five Love Languages

“This book is an amazingly powerful tool that will transform your heart and your relationships from the inside out.”
—Lysa TerKeurst, New York Times bestselling author and president of Proverbs 31 Ministries

“Shaunti Feldhahn did it again. Where others make guesses, she does research. Kindness isn’t just something nice to do; it’s a game changer in all of our relationships. I encourage you to take that kindness challenge.”
—Chip Ingram, founder of Living on the Edge and senior pastor of Venture Christian Church

“If kindness means care and concern for others, when would it ever be the wrong approach? Imagine a world that is not rude, self-serving, impatient, and hurried. Shaunti Feldhahn challenges us to rise above culture, open our hearts, and experience the life changing benefits of kindness. We desperately need this kindness challenge!”
—Cheryl A. Bachelder, CEO of Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen Inc. and author of Dare to Serve

“In her latest book, Shaunti Feldhahn has touched on one of the most important elements of any healthy relationship—kindness! We all know we should be kind, but do we know why? And how? Shaunti has provided an inspiring roadmap for anyone who wants to nurture their most important relationships.”
—Jim Daly, president of Focus on the Family

“Just when I thought I understood what it meant to be kind, along came Shaunti Feldhahn. Her compelling evidence taught me that there’s more than meets the eye when it comes to weaving kindness into our everyday lives. After reading this book, I took the challenge—and it transformed my relationships. Shaunti believes kindness is a superpower, and I agree 100 percent.”
—Chris Brown, national radio show host of Chris Brown’s True Stewardship, a division of Dave Ramsey Solutions

“This concept is so simple, so profound, so doable, and so inspiring. I am taking the kindness challenge, and it is making a difference in my heart and in my home. Truly, as Shaunti’s research proves, the kinder you are, the happier you are. I am recommending this book to everyone who has any relationship issues or anyone who just flat-out wants to be a happier, wiser person.”
—Jennifer Rothschild, author of Lessons I Learned in the Dark and Me, Myself and Lies

“Struggling to show kindness to that difficult person in your life? This book will equip you with the motivation, the inspiration, and the practical tools to transform your relationships—even for those really hard-to-love co-workers and family members!”
—Crystal Paine, founder of MoneySavingMom.com and New York Times bestselling author of Say Goodbye to Survival Mode

“Shaunti Feldhahn is the Relationship Whisperer. Her groundbreaking research, brilliant insights, practical applications, and inspiring calls to action will transform your relationships in profound ways. Imagine how different your life would look if your most difficult relationship became one of your healthiest. The Kindness Challenge can make that a reality. Shaunti lays out a compelling plan that has already improved countless relationships, and it will undoubtedly work for you as well. Guaranteed.”
—Dave and Ashley Willis, bestselling authors and founders of StrongerMarriages.org

“I hope The Kindness Challenge becomes a worldwide movement of changed lives. The power of kindness has the capacity to transform any marriage, family, and even work environment. You can’t take on this challenge and not improve your life. I took Shaunti’s kindness challenge personally, and I invite you to do the same. Kindness matters. Spread the word.”
—Jim Burns, PhD, president of HomeWord, author of Creating an Intimate Marriage and Confident Parenting

“The Kindness Challenge is the right book at the right time. With our world becoming harsher and coarser, Shaunti’s message of love is a God-sent antidote. She’s captured how being kind changes our hearts toward other people, and how God mysteriously uses that kindness superpower to change everything! Get ready to be rocked by kindness.”
—Chuck Finney, president of Finney Media

“Got a grumpy neighbor? A rocky relationship with a friend? A family member who gets on your very last nerve? If you’ve ever longed to see these people change their behavior, then this book...well, it won’t do that. But it will empower you to change the four things you actually can: your perspective, your attitude, your actions, and your reactions. The Kindness Challenge is a practical tool that will transform the way you view—and treat—others as you make it your habit to praise rather than pester, to impart kindness rather than criticism, and to treat others with generosity and dignity, just as Jesus did. Highly recommended!”
—Karen Ehman, Proverbs 31 Ministries speaker and New York Times bestselling author of Keep It Shut and Listen, Love, Repeat

“Stop whatever you’re doing and read this book! Take the challenge! Why? Because it’s about to revolutionize your relationships. All of them. And it’s easier than you might imagine. Shaunti lays out a proven and practical plan that anyone can follow. Your life won’t be the same after reading this book.”
—Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, #1 New York Times bestselling authors of Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts

“Shaunti has done it again! The Kindness Challenge is another example of how she pulls golden nuggets out of research. She offers up three easy, practical steps you can make in your relationships to take them to the next level.”
—Craig Gross, founder of XXXchurch.com and co-author of Through a Man’s Eyes

“We are all looking for the easy button in relationships. Shaunti has helped us find it. While it’s not always easy to be kind—especially when we really don’t want to be—it matters greatly in the relationships that mean so much to us. I’m taking the words on these pages seriously, and I hope you will too!”
—Jill Savage, CEO of Hearts at Home and author of No More Perfect Marriages

“Shaunti Feldhahn is right when she says kindness is a superpower. Whether you decide to embrace the kindness challenge for your spouse, child, or neighbor, your life will be changed. The Kindness Challenge is a great first step in loving others well.”
—Mark and Susan Merrill, founders of Family First, All Pro Dad, and iMom

“In a world that understands payback but not patience, a world that is not only thoughtless but has completely forgotten how to say thank you, The Kindness Challenge is a desperately needed resource. Learning not only to get along with people but to invest in them with the purposeful, intentional act of being kind is both world changing and people changing. Take the challenge to change those you love with kindness—and let kindness change the very essence of who you are.”
—Kathi Lipp, bestselling author of The Husband Project, Clutter Free, and Overwhelmed

À propos de cette édition

• Éditeur: WaterBrook
• Date d'édition: 2016
• ISBN 10: 1601421222
• ISBN 13: 9781601421227
• Reliure: Relié
• Nombre de pages: 224