Book by Maher Bill
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Does Anybody Have a Problem With That?"
Excerpt - No-Children Section
First aired 2.25.94
Americans long ago fell in love with the concept of rights, and that includes the right to squabble over whose rights are more important, your rights or my rights. It used to be my right to smoke a cigarette anywhere I damn well pleased, but nonsmokers organized and fought and captured that flag. So, good for them. But the truth is, America causes cancer. It's in every unnatural product and process and place in our lives, so to pick out one noxious fume among the hundreds we imbibe each day probably won't change the statistics all that much. Which is fine, except if we're going to get huffy about people doing things that annoy us, let's not be so selective about it.
Someone--let's say me--might enjoy cigarettes, but not children. Does that make me bad? I think it just makes me different, and not all that different. Plenty of people would rather have a cigarette than a child, and it's about time we stood up and demanded no-children sections just like they have no-smoking sections in restaurants and airplanes, because a screaming baby on the Continental red-eye is as hard on everybody's heart and blood pressure as two packs of Luckys. Don't make me get the statistics, because there are none, which is ridiculous. If they study the effects of secondhand smoke, they should study the effects of secondhand screaming and bratty behavior.
They say everybody loves kids, but that's wrong. Everybody loves their own kids. I don't like your kids any more than you like my cigarettes. In fact, your kids are the reason I smoke. A parent shares their child's joy and pain; I just get the pain. And children under two years old? They act like such . . . well, babies. Like screaming and crying is really a way to solve your problems. When I see how a child under two years old is behaving, I just want to say to him, "Grow up. Just grow up." Even churches once had crying rooms, and I think we well know that the Church loves its kids--sometimes a little too much. But it only seems fair that if I can put out my cigarette, you can tell your kid to shut up. Because if you don't tell your kid to shut up, the next time, when you're not looking, I'm gonna give him a cigarette.
People are getting stupider.
The National Enquirer is always right.
Howard Stern should get over himself.
Fame is the worst drug.
These and countless other strident assertions are contained in Does Anybody Have a Problem with That?, the collection of the greatest hits of Bill Maher's TV series, Politically Incorrect.
Bill Maher presides over the most opinionated show on television. Maher and his panels of pundits and pop stars tackle the really important issues, pontificating liberally and illiberally to produce funny, smart, provocative, award-winning TV. And now here's a sampling of those opinions that will guarantee to make you the hit of every cocktail party. According to Maher, Vietnam was a smart, noble war; AIDS ribbons are stupid; we should get rid of Santa Claus; inner children should grow the hell up; everything that used to be sin is now a disease; strippers get the most respect; and there's a lot of "convenient feminism." And he gives out eight "Get Over Yourself" awards to the likes of Newt Gingrinch, Howard Stern, and Deion Sanders.
Bill Maher has an opinion on everything, and he wants to share them all with you. Does anybody have a problem with that?
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