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David Allsop was introduced to skiing at the age of five on a rudimentary monoski down the slopes of a slag heap. He spent the next 30 years scrupulously avoiding anything to do with sliding downhill. After trial careers in occupations as diverse as growing beansprouts and working as a barrister, he found his niche amid the peaks and troughs of freelance journalism adding ski-writing to his formidable portfolio of areas of professed expertise. By dint of bluff and good luck he has managed to ski, at little cost to himself, in more than 300 resorts with a style that was once described by a member of the Compagnie des Guides as comme une vache espagnole (like a Spanish cow), which he chooses to regard as a rare example of French irony. The Alliance des Moniteurs de Ski du Canada knows better; it allowed him to qualify as a ski instructor in 2004. Curiously this does not seem to have made him any more attractive to the opposite sex.
Instantly distinguish between a schuss and a snowplough, a stem turn and a slalom, a sidecut and a side-slip. Bask in the admiration of your fellow skiers as you pronounce confidently on what to do and where to do it. But, above all, effortlessly hold your own against those who have skiing in their DNA. DO SAY that your skis have blunt edges . This is a valid excuse for most forms of skiing ineptitude. DON'T SAY I ve never had a lesson in my life. This is ill-advised, not least because it will lay you open to the entirely legitimate retort: Yes, it shows.
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