A self-proclaimed all-rounder, James Trollope has been playing village cricket for 25 years during which time he s gained a reputation for running out his batting partners, refusing to walk and producing revolting teas. A promising career as a TV reporter in Sussex came to a premature end when his editor refused to accede to his demands to cover local news from the comfort of the County Cricket Ground, Hove. Nowadays, creaking middle age leads to much embarrassment in the field but he remains lethal in an umpire s jacket, especially after failing with the bat. A hurried, anxious bat, Nick Yapp never fulfilled the potential that early days on the beach at Worthing suggested. His slow bowling, however, has been famously popular with batspersons all over South London. Ever a Surrey fan, he had to take a double dose of his heart pills when he saw them win the Championship in 1999. Only a soft ball and the promise of friendly bowling now bring him out of retirement. On these occasions he still manages to look hawkish in the field, unless the ball comes too near.
Instantly acquire all the knowledge you need to become an expert in the arcane and labyrinthine game of cricket. Never again confuse a square leg with a very fine leg, a doosra with a jaffa, or a long hop with a leg break. Bask in the admiration of your fellow cricket lovers as you pronounce confidently on the finer points of play, the limitations of the players, and why the umpire needs to see an optician. But, above all, effortlessly hold your own against those who emerged from the womb consulting a copy of Wisden. DO SAY I m not sure how hard D Oliveira was trying but he seemed a bit put out when I drove him back over his head. DON T SAY Ah yes, the joys of exotic cricketing tours. Once, we hacked out a pitch in the jungle but just as I was about to complete my 50, a rather peevish gorilla came charging out of the trees...
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