Coaching Para el Exito
Conviertete en el Entrenador de Tu Vida Personal y Profesional / Coach Yourself to SuccessBy Talane MiedanerEdiciones Urano
Copyright © 2002 Talane Miedaner
All right reserved.ISBN: 9788479534905
Chapter One
INCREASE YOUR
NATURAL POWER
"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening,
that is translated through you into action, and because
there is only one of you in all time, this expression is
unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through
any other medium and will be lost."
Martha Graham
Powerful people have the ability to get what they want, to attract greatopportunities and people and wealth, and to wield their influence toimpact those around them. We are all powerful to varying degrees, buteveryone can increase his or her own natural power and have more energy.The formula is a simple one: to increase your natural power, eliminatethe things that drain your energy and add the things that give you energy.I said simple, not necessarily easy. The first place to start when you beginthis coaching program is to dramatically reduce the number of things thatare distracting you and draining your energy and replace them with somepositive, nurturing energy boosters. This is where you get your life in goodshape, get rid of the bad habits, and learn how to protect yourself fromunpleasant people and remarks. This is the underlying foundation neededto increase your power naturally and attract the success you want. Weoften neglect to build a solid foundation for our lives because we are sobusy going after our goals.
There are a couple of dangers in going after really big goals beforeyou've taken the time to get your life in basic order. First, you mayachieve your goal, but it may not last. Don't waste time building castleson sand; build your castle on bedrock. You've probably seen it happen tofriends who sacrifice all to go for their goal, achieve it, and find the successshort-lived. It is commonly believed that achieving great success canruin you. That may simply be a case of not having laid the proper foundation,so when the first windstorm or calamity strikes, the whole thingcrumbles to ruins. It may not be the success that ruins people, but ratherthe lack of a good foundation. Any work you do in this first section willstrengthen you and make all the following steps of this book much easierto do. So while I know these may look simple, take the time to dothem. It is critical to your long-term success.
The second danger is that you may reach your goals and then notfeel fulfilled or satisfied. A reporter once asked me what was the numberone reason why people don't reach their goals. I told her it is that theypick the wrong goals in the first place. Have you ever had your heart seton some objective and then, when you finally achieved it, found your victorywas hollow? Either what you wanted wasn't as great as you had imagined,or you enjoyed it for a short time and then went all too quickly onto the next goal. This is extremely common. We are so heavily influencedby media and advertising that we often don't know what we really wantas individuals, but instead adopt some media-inspired vision of what willmake us happy. These aren't your true dreams or goals, but you may havebeen seduced into them with slick advertising. Obviously, reaching thesegoals will still leave you with those vague feelings of discontent. Beforeyou can even figure out what makes you really happy, you need to handlethe basics in life.
Start energizing your life by getting rid of everything you areputting up with. Cleaning out your closet and sewing on a button maynot sound glamorous, but this is often the first step to getting whatyou really want. As Mom always said, "Eat your veggies, then you canhave dessert."
1. Eliminate All Those Petty
Annoyances
"To be really great in the little things, to be truly noble and
heroic in the insipid details of everyday life, is a virtue so rare
as to be worthy of canonization."
Harriet Beecher Stowe
If you are serious about being successful, start by eliminating everythingyou are putting up with, the things you are tolerating, enduring—thosepetty annoyances. You might be tolerating any number of small things,such as the overflowing in-box, the unpaid taxes you have to figure out,or even the tear in your bathrobe that nags at you every time you openyour shower door and see it hanging there. Every time you see it, youthink, "I've got to sew that up." That is an annoyance—something assmall as a missing button, or scuffed shoes. It could be that you are alsotolerating something bigger. Maybe you're tolerating your spouse's badbreath, or your best friend's habit of always showing up late, or you'retolerating something about your work, perhaps a boss who micromanagesyou. Or you could be tolerating your own bad habits—that you bite yournails or can't find important papers because your files are disorganized.You could be annoyed by the pollution in your city, the fact that yourcar is messy, or that you have a long commute to work.
Everything you are tolerating drains your energy, makes you irritable,and wears you down. It is very difficult to be successful if you areputting up with a lot. From my coaching experience, I've found that mostpeople tolerate anywhere from 60 to 100 different things. To eliminatewhat you are putting up with, simply write down the 60 to 100 thingsthat you are tolerating. Make the list. It doesn't do any good to just keepa mental list in your head; you must write them down to get them outof your head and onto paper. Then call a friend and buddy-up with someoneelse who wants to get rid of the things they are putting up with too.Set aside a whole Saturday or Sunday as a blitz day and start workingdown your list on anything that can be done in one day. If you start tolose steam, call your buddy to check in for a pep talk and report yourprogress. And set a deadline. After the blitz day treat yourself to dinnerand the movies.
Some of the things you won't be able to handle in one day, so giveyourself one to three months and whoever gets the most items eliminatedgets taken out to dinner or wins some special treat. Petty annoyances drainyour energy, reducing your natural ability to attract success. Don't sweatthe small things. Just get them out of your life. As for the things thatseem impossible to handle—like your boss, the long commute to work,or your spouse's bad breath—just write them on the list and don't worryabout them. The solutions will come to you in time.
Take the example of Jason, a successful portfolio manager on WallStreet. Jason loved the financial world, but was extremely frustrated inhis work, where he seemed to be putting in long hours day after day. Hehad been in the same position for over seven years and felt he wasn't gettingthe recognition or salary he deserved. Jason told me, "I feel like arat on a treadmill. I keep running faster and faster and working harderand harder and it is getting me absolutely nowhere. What do I do?" I askedJason to list all the things he was currently tolerating about his life, bothpersonally and professionally. He came back with a fairly long list, whichincluded items such as: no social life, eating alone, no recognition at work,a tear in his favorite leather jacket, ironing his shirts, the stack of paperspiled high in his in-box, a poorly trained assistant who chewed gum allthe time at work, paying bills, and the bathtub needing caulking, toname a few. The list of his problems seemed endless. Like many unhappypeople, he was stuck. I said, "Jason, it's time to start taking excellent careof yourself." I suggested that he begin rewarding himself, doing somethings he especially liked even when all the paperwork wasn't finished.He needed to stop pushing so hard for a few minutes and rest. The resultwas gratifying. One day he went for a walk in Central Park and watchedthe sunset—a simple thing that he really enjoyed but hadn't taken thetime to do in years. He started taking a martial arts class—something hehad always wanted to do but just couldn't seem to justify the time for.Now Jason had something to look forward to after work and he foundhimself getting his work done more efficiently so he could go to hisclasses. He cleaned up all the papers on his desk and caulked the tub,then things began to turn around. Jason talked to a recruiter about jobprospects, and within two months he had a new job at another investmentbank where he felt more valued and received a $30,000 increase insalary. Not to mention the fact that he started dating again.
Lori made her list and realized that, among a whole host of smallerthings, she was putting up with a boyfriend she didn't like that much anymoreand living in a city she hated. She promptly broke up with the guyand moved to another city two weeks later. Not everyone can take suchrapid action, but if you can, why not? Once she realized how much itwas costing her, she wasn't willing to put up with anything less than shedeserved. Now she is living in a comfortable home in Chicago and datinguntil she finds just the right guy.
Robert made his list of annoyances and called me back the next weekto say he couldn't believe what a difference it made to get rid of all thelittle pesky stuff in his life. He replaced the lightbulb for the fridge, whichhad been burned out for over a year. He threw out a very moldy showercurtain and bought a new one. He sewed on missing buttons and threwout clothes that were stained or torn. He had his shoes resoled. Robertconfessed that he thought these little things weren't that important andthat he would casually dismiss them, thinking he would be better offspending his time focusing on the bigger goals. After getting rid oftwenty-three things that he had been tolerating, he got a tremendousburst of energy and began building a deck off the back porch—a projecthe had been saying he was going to do for the past three years. Hiswife was thrilled.
Once when I was leading a telephone seminar, I challenged the participantsto come back the next week with their list of everything theywere tolerating and to eliminate the biggest one on the list. One guy cameback and he was practically bouncing off the walls with energy. In writingdown his list, the first thing he realized was that he wasn't happy withthe therapist he had been using. He stopped seeing that one and hired adifferent therapist with whom he really felt comfortable. He had been toleratingthis ineffective relationship for nine months.
Some people sit down to write their list and have great trouble gettingstarted. In 99 percent of the cases, this isn't because they don't haveany pesky annoyances in their lives, but rather that they are so numb tothem that they can't even think of them. Once you eliminate one item,another petty annoyance that you hadn't even realized you were puttingup with comes to mind. Sometimes it helps to think of the different categoriesof things you tolerate—what are you tolerating about work, home,your friends and family, your pets, your body, your own habits?
The next trick is to lump the things you are tolerating together andsee how you could eliminate a whole bunch of them at once. For example,John was tolerating not making enough money, a messy desk at work,his boss, not having enough responsibility, and not getting enoughacknowledgment, among other things. He realized that if he got a differentjob, he would wipe out a whole pack of annoyances at once. Hecleaned off his desk, then talked to his boss about the possibilities ofworking in another department where he would have more responsibilities.He got the transfer and a few months later a salary increase to matchhis increased responsibilities.
You may find that you are putting up with something for a very goodreason. Jessica worked like a demon to eliminate her entire list of eighty-nineannoyances. She was very proud of her accomplishment but was a bitdiscouraged on our next call. Now that she had eliminated all the piddlingstuff that had been bothering her, she realized the big one that was staringher in the face—she was having trouble in her marriage of twenty-sevenyears. She had been hiding from the fact that the relationship wasn't workingeven though she knew she'd have to deal with it if she was to be successfulin her business and happy in her life. All the little things she hadbeen tolerating distracted her from the big issues in her life.
When you finish your list, you will find that a number of thingsseem beyond your control and you don't know how to fix them. Notto worry, just leave them on the list and work on the ones you can dosomething about. I gave this assignment to my sister before I realizedit wasn't a good idea to coach one's own family. She made her list andshowed it to me, and when I told her I was sorry, I shouldn't coach her,she never pursued it. One of the items on her list was her cubicle mateat work. Without doing anything, she was given a different partner amonth later. You will find that if you write your list, stuff it in a drawer,and come back to it a month later, you'll be able to cross some stuff offeven though you weren't working on it. So whatever you do, at leastwrite the darn list!
2. Plug the Energy Drains
"Cocaine habit-forming? Of course not. I ought to know. I've
been using it for years."
Tallulah Bankhead
Once you start eliminating what you are putting up with (Tip 1), youwill see just how much energy those petty annoyances were taking fromyou. Just like the hum of an air conditioner: you don't realize how loudit really is until you turn it off. Lots of things drain our precious energy,and we aren't even aware of it. Take TV, for example. When was the lasttime you felt zippy and alive after watching TV? Tabloid papers have a lotof negative, gossipy news that can drain your energy. Needy relationshipswill take up inordinate amounts of your time and energy. As will any andall addictions, including alcohol, sugar, shopping, computer games, caffeine,gambling, smoking, chocolate, TV, sex—you know which ones areyours. I'm not saying you can't have a cup of coffee once in a while, butmore than three cups a week and it's an addiction.
I didn't think I was addicted to coffee. I didn't even like it that muchand only had one cup a day, in the morning. When I decided to give itup, I thought it would be easy. After three days of skull-splitting, mind-numbingheadaches (and I don't usually get headaches), I realized this wasa powerful drug, not just a nice cup of coffee. Try it yourself and see. Plus,if you are interested in losing weight, studies show that caffeine causesinsulin production to go up, which increases fat storage. Now that I'vegiven up caffeine, my energy is more even and balanced throughout theday, and I don't buzz around in the morning thinking I'm accomplishinga lot when I'm really not. Feeling stressed, under the gun? Definitely notthe time for coffee. It will make things worse, exacerbating the stress youalready feel. When you give up caffeine, plan on getting headaches. Oneclient, formerly a coffee aficionado, swears by this technique: stop coffee,but drink as much tea as you want for one month and then switch to herbaltea. He finds he now has more energy and feels much more relaxed.
Another client, a senior editor at a publishing house, was addicted tosugar and found herself headed for the vending machines a couple times aday. She decided to quit cold turkey. Anytime she felt inclined to head tothe vending machines for a candy bar and a coke, she just told herself,"Sugar isn't going to help. In fact, it will just makes things worse." Thismantra worked for her. Sugar was a way for her to get a quick energy burst,and it was also a way to put off work on a difficult project. Instead shefocused on the task at hand or addressed the project head-on. Not only didshe lose weight, but she discovered she was even more productive at work.
What are the seductive energy drains in your life? Don't be shy aboutgetting support. There are all sorts of excellent 12-step programs that helppeople get over their addictions—CODA for codependency issues, AA for alcohol,AlAnon for family members of alcoholics, OA for overeaters. There issomething for everyone. Get the support you need to eliminate this energydrain once and for all. If you think you can manage your addictions onyour own, make a list and eliminate one each month until you are free.
Addictions take over your life and are extremely difficult to stop onyour own. If you try doing it on your own and fail, do not despair. Thisdoes not mean that you have no willpower or are a weak and terrible person.Stop beating yourself up about it. All it means is that you really areaddicted and the only thing missing is a really powerful support systemto help you break it. A hint from an herbalist friend: most addictions areassociated with rituals. Part of the pleasure of smoking marijuana is gettingout the paper and rolling the joint. If you want to quit smoking pot,it helps to create a new, healthy ritual to replace the old one. I don't know,perhaps you could make origami designs out of the paper? Take some timeto create a new ritual that you will enjoy instead. If you do have an addictionthat starts to consume your life, coaching won't work because theaddiction will be running your life, not you.
3. Install Ten Daily Habits
"Good habits, which bring our lower passions and appetites under
automatic control, leave our natures free to explore the larger experiences
of life. Too many of us divide and dissipate our energies in
debating actions which should be taken for granted."
Ralph W. Sockman
Most of us have a few bad habits that really don't nurture and supportus. They might even have evolved from a habit to an addiction, as mydaily cup of coffee did before I even realized it. Experts say that to breaka habit you need to replace it with a different habit, or you might go rightback to the old habit. Ideally you want to replace a bad habit with a goodhabit—"good" meaning that it gives you energy rather than drains yourenergy. What are ten pleasures that you could put in place on a daily basisthat you'd look forward to doing? Perhaps you'd like to spend fifteen minutesof quiet time to plan your day, or on creative thought? How abouta stretch for ten minutes after you get home from work to get the kinksout? Or you may want to walk or bike to work instead of driving. Tryeating lunch outside under a tree instead of at the cafeteria. Or packingyour own lunch instead of buying it or eating at a fast-food place. Experimentwith going to bed a half hour earlier and getting up a half hourearlier. The idea here is not to put in place a "should" habit—somethingyou think you should do—but rather a habit you'd love to do, somethingthat would be a treat for you. This will be different for each person. Mostpeople are so stressed out when they begin this assignment that they can'teven think of ten pleasurable habits. This was true for me. I had completelylost touch with what I enjoyed doing. (This was around the timewhen I was hoping I'd get hit by a bus on the way to work so I could liein traction in the hospital for a while.) I couldn't think of anything except"shoulds" like "I should exercise daily," or "I should eat more veggies."This didn't light me up or turn me on so I had to think back to what Iused to do for fun. My list of ten daily habits ended up as a combinationof some fun things and some things I knew I needed to implementon a regular basis:
1. Walk to work instead of taking the subway. (I timed it and found that the subway took forty minutes, and I could walk door to door in one hour. I figured for an extra twenty minutes, I'd gain an hour of exercise and save a buck-fifty. This ended up becoming a sort of walking meditation for me.)
2. Floss daily (sort of a "should," but I don't mind flossing and it definitely makes my teeth happy).
3. Call a friend or send a note of thanks daily.
4. Eat an exotic fresh fruit (raspberries, strawberries, a mango, a papaya, a juicy pear).
5. Do one "pamper me" thing daily (a bubble bath, a manicure, a new magazine, a walk in the park, fresh flowers for the office).
6. Take a vitamin C and a multivitamin (a pretty easy one).
7. Do daily back exercises (I had lower back pain and these kept me mobile).
8. Tell someone "I love you" every day.
9. Spend fifteen minutes to plan my day every morning.
10. Clean my desk off before leaving the office every evening.
If you are having trouble breaking a bad habit or starting a good habit,you may want to create a visual display to chart your progress. It doesn'treally matter what you use as a visual display, but you need some dailyvisual reminder to keep you on target. For example, in her book Inner Simplicity,Elaine St. James suggests using the gold star method. If you likedgetting a gold star when you were in kindergarten, you can still employthis technique or create any other visual display. Here's what you do: giveyourself a gold star for every day that you successfully did something. Supposeyou want to stop watching TV (Tip 32). Every day that you don't watchTV, give yourself a gold star. Put it on a wall calendar that is clearly visible.You don't have to tell anyone else what you are working on; in fact itis better not to tell anyone—keep it to yourself so you won't have someonenagging at you. Once you have a whole month of gold stars, give yourselfa special reward—just make sure it is not the habit you just broke.Or maybe you'd like to design a bar graph to record your results. Someclients cut out pictures from magazines and create a collage that inspiresthem to stick to their new habits. One of my clients sent himself an automaticE-mail reminder to send out a thank-you every day until it becamea habit. Our lives are usually so full of things that it is helpful to have adaily reminder until your new habit becomes as natural as brushing yourteeth. It may be easiest to work on installing one new habit at a time iften seems overwhelming.
This may sound silly, but it really helps to have some sort of visualdisplay or to make a minicontest or game out of it. Kendall, an athleticclient, was addicted to sugar and did the gold star technique for every daywithout sugar. He didn't want to see a blank day on the calendar. The visualdisplay not only shows you in black and white just how well you've reallydone, but it motivates you to keep on going. He used to keep track in hishead and was sure that he gave himself a better score than he reallyachieved. It is easy to forget the French toast with maple syrup or the handfulof mints if you aren't keeping track. The longer you go, the more powerfulit becomes. After two weeks without sugar, he didn't want to ruin aperfect run of gold stars. This technique also works for installing a goodhabit, like walking the dog or eating three fresh vegetables a day. Writedown a list of ten daily pleasures and start enjoying yourself every day.
4. Eliminate the "Shoulds"
"To be good, according to the vulgar standard of goodness, is
obviously quite easy. It merely requires a certain amount of sordid
terror, a certain lack of imaginative thought, and a certain
low passion for middle-class respectability."
Oscar Wilde
The "shoulds" are those things we think we have to do, gotta do, but don'treally want to do. For example, I should lose weight. I should exercise. Ishould network more. I should wear a size 6 dress. I should be making moremoney. I should learn to speak a foreign language. I should do this, that,or the other thing. All these "shoulds" are killing you, weighing you downand keeping you from getting on with the really interesting stuff in yourlife. I'm sure you could make up a nice little list right now and I recommendthat you do. And then crumple it up, wad it into a ball, andburn it. Yes, you got it. You must get rid of the "shoulds." They are weighingyou down, getting you nowhere, and sapping your precious life energy.Far better to think up a whole list of new goals that really turn you onand ditch the "shoulds."
How can you tell if it is a real goal or a "should" goal? Well, one surefireway is to ask yourself, "How old is this goal?" If you've had it for ayear or more, then it is a "should" goal that is completely lifeless. You don'twant that dead goal hanging around one minute longer. Get rid of it! AndI mean now! Ah, but you protest, if I give up my goal to lose weight thenI'll never lose weight. Well, that may be true, but you've been saying youneed to lose weight for how many years now? I don't think this is evergoing to happen so you might as well give it up and replace it with somethingthat you are really interested in creating. At this suggestion, a fewof my clients gleefully get rid of the old goal, but most want to keep it.It's amazing how attached we get to these "shoulds." If you've gotten alongthis far in life as a size 12, who cares if you are a size 6? If you have gottenalong fine without speaking French, then perhaps you don't need tokeep this goal around any longer. If they still hang on, then I say it is timeto expand the goal into one that will turn you on. For example, insteadof focusing on losing weight, how about making a goal to take extremelygood care of yourself? This means the whole package: see a nutritionistfor a food plan that will work for you; get a personal trainer to get yourbutt off the sofa; see a massage therapist bimonthly or weekly; get a regularfacial; sign up for the jazz dance class you've always wanted; hangaround with people who eat the way you'd like to eat and have healthyhabits, and start spending less time with friends whose habits don't supportthe new ones you'd like to incorporate. This goal is suddenly a wholelot more fun, full of life, than "I really should lose weight."
So go down your list of "shoulds" and throw out as many as you can.If you really feel you can't, see how you can delegate it. Suppose you reallyshould exercise, and you feel that you can't in good conscience cross itoff. Well, hire a personal trainer, join a walking club—DO something,but don't let it sit there weighing you down as a "should." Or supposeyou think you should get a better job, but just haven't gotten motivatedyet. Update your résumé (you can even hire an expert to do this for you),get it to a headhunter, and let him or her find you a new job. If you aren'tready to update your résumé, network, contact a recruiter, or go on interviews,then you may as well forget this goal too. Far better to delete andmove on. You'll feel much lighter immediately.
Sandy, a forty-five-year-old social worker, hired me because she hadrecently divorced and wanted to find a new man. She wanted to start workingout and to lose weight but just couldn't seem to get started. She wouldgo to the gym sporadically, but it wasn't enough. Sandy blamed herself fora lack of discipline and willpower. I suggested that willpower was entirelyunnecessary if she had an effective structure for support. I encouraged herto set up a support system that would make it easy for her to work out.She was a very conscientious person, and I knew that if she had an appointmentto meet a friend at the gym, she wouldn't miss it. She put her gymbag in the car so she'd be able to go directly after work, because she knewherself well enough to know that if she went home first, she'd never makeit back out again. Sandy made an appointment with a girlfriend who wasalso committed to getting back in shape. They met at the gym and endedup doing thirty-five minutes of exercise. Sandy felt terrific. Her colleaguesat work noticed her enthusiasm and one particularly handsome man askedher if she'd like to go running together. One thing led to another and soonSandy not only lost eight pounds, but she was exercising regularly and hada great-looking exercise buddy.
What are your tired old goals? If you haven't done anything aboutthem in the past year, get rid of them or reinvent them. I highly recommendthat if you have had weight loss as a goal for years that you justget rid of it. Remember, you can always pick it up again later, but giveyourself a break and let go of that burden for awhile. Another client,Howard, gave up his weight loss goals and took up tai chi instead. I methim for lunch a few months later and even though he wasn't any thinner,he looked more relaxed, confident, and attractive. Why struggle if it isn'tmaking a difference anyway?
Another client, Jim, was a dynamic mortgage broker and a great listmaker.Every year he would make an astonishing number of New Year'sresolutions. This year, he showed me his list of twenty-five goals, and Iasked him to review it for any goals over a year old and; in addition, todelete any "shoulds." He pared the list down to four key goals that he wasreally excited about working on, and he felt a surprising relief. Get rid ofthe dead goals now, as they will only slow you down the rest of the year.
5. Establish Big Boundaries
"The way in which a person loses their true goodness is
just like the way that trees are destroyed by the ax. Cut
down day after day, how can the mind, anymore than the
tree, retain its beauty or continue to live."
Mencius, fourth century b.c.
It is almost impossible to be successful without firm and clear boundaries.We naturally respect people who have strong boundaries. Boundariesare simply the things people can't do to you, lines that will protectyou and allow you to be your best. For example, most people have in placethe boundary that it is not okay for anyone to hit them. Now we knowthat some folks don't even have this boundary in place—we've heard aboutor know people who stay in abusive relationships for whatever reason.These people are missing the basic boundary, "You can't hit me." Okay,let's assume you have this boundary in place and people don't hit you. Dopeople yell at you? Well, that is only one level out from hitting—not awhole lot of protection. You need to expand your boundary from peoplecan't hit me to people can't yell at me. Not even your boss, certainly notyour lover or spouse.
Susan, a sales assistant at a retail shop, was having a tough time withan extremely demanding boss who thought nothing of blowing off steamby ranting and raving at her subordinates. She would yell at Susan formaking even the smallest error. Susan also allowed her colleagues to teaseher about her midwestern expressions and accent. A friend of hers wouldtake advantage of her and crash at her house whenever he didn't feel likegoing home. All of this is a simple case of missing boundaries. Once Susandecided it was no longer acceptable that people yell at her, make her thebutt end of a joke, or take advantage of her, everything began to turnaround. Her colleagues stopped teasing her and her friends stopped takingadvantage of her. As a side bonus, she got a big promotion at workto sales executive because now her boss, her colleagues, and even herclients had more respect for her. How did she do this? She simplyinformed them, using the four-step communication model in Tip 6.
Boundaries work equally well at home. A client's boyfriend had a hottemper and he would get angry on occasion and yell at her. She thoughtthis was normal and something that had to be tolerated. I asked her toexpand her boundary. It was not okay for him to yell at her for any reason.She explained to him that she loved him and would never intentionallyharm him or hurt him in any way. The only reason he should beangry with her was if she intentionally tried to hurt him. So if she wasten minutes late for a date, he could let her know it bothered him withoutbeing angry or yelling. At first he was still used to his old ways andso of course he started to yell when he was upset with her. She calmlyinformed him that he was yelling at her and asked him how much longerhe needed to be angry. Five minutes? Thirty minutes? She'd be backwhen he calmed down. He realized how silly it was and started to laugh.
Once you have this boundary in place and you find that people don'tyell at you, try expanding it even further so that people can't give youunsolicited criticism, or make derogatory remarks or jokes at your expense.Even if these remarks are meant in fun, they aren't funny. This type ofcomment hurts and it just isn't acceptable. Derogatory jokes and commentsdiminish you, taking away your energy and reducing your abilityto attract the things you want in life. Do not allow this!
Now you are probably thinking, "This sounds great, but what do youdo when someone yells at you or shows up late or takes advantage of you?"You know this is your new boundary, but how do they know? It's simple,you just need to learn how to protect yourself gracefully. So read on.
6. Protect Yourself Gracefully
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Eleanor Roosevelt
A simple four-step communication model that I learned at Coach Universitywill help you protect yourself from unpleasant comments. Wheneversomeone does something that hurts you or bothers you, you areallowing that. Here is how to stop this behavior in a graceful and effectivemanner. (Ladies, pay attention; we tend to be particularly weak inthis department.)
1. Inform. "Do you realize that you are yelling?" or, "Do you realize that comment hurt me?" or, "I didn't ask for your feedback." If they continue with the unwanted behavior, then take it up to step 2. but only after you've tried step 1.
2. Request. Ask them to stop. "I ask that you stop yelling at me now," or, "I ask that you only give me constructive feedback." If they still don't get it and the behavior continues, try step 3.
3. Demand or insist. "I insist that you stop yelling at me now." If they still persist, you take it to the next level.
4. Leave (without any snappy comebacks or remarks). "I can't continue this conversation while you are yelling at me. I am going to leave the room." If you are in a relationship and the other person doesn't change his or her behavior after you've tried this model numerous times, you may need to leave the relationship and/or get a therapist. The people who really love you will respect your boundaries.
The key to success with these four steps is to say them in a neutraltone of voice. Do not raise your voice up or down. Keep it calm and flat.You know when you've got a little charge or fire or judgment or anger inyour tone. Remember, you are informing the other person. Think of goingthrough the four steps in the same way you'd say, "The sky is blue." Noemotion, no excitement, just a neutral tone of voice. You can say just aboutanything to anybody if you say it in a neutral manner.
Now Susan (from Tip 5) had some ammunition ready for the nexttime her boss yelled at her. She used this four-step model to inform herboss in a neutral tone of voice. Be careful here. You could risk your jobif you don't have this tone of voice down pat so practice on friends andfamily until you are sure you can do it. Susan made a small mistake atthe office the next day, and as usual, her boss began to rant and rave.Susan very calmly, without the slightest hint of sarcasm or judgment inher voice, replied, "Do you realize that you are yelling at me?" Thisstopped her boss right in her tracks. Then Susan said, "I really want todo my very best work for you, and find that I work best when you pointout my errors in a calm voice." Susan's boss immediately calmed down,apologized, and later took her out to lunch. This is a very powerful andattractive way to communicate.
At this point, you are probably thinking, "Well, that is fine for Susan,but I could never speak to my boss that way." Quite frankly, that is whatall my clients say when I tell them that they need to inform their bossesthey have just crossed a boundary. The key to dealing with your boss isto use a completely neutral tone of voice and to be extremely tactful.Never correct your boss, or anyone for that matter, in front of anotherperson and especially not in a meeting. Being casual and subtle is alsogood. You don't want to make a big deal out of your boss's behavior. Forexample, one client, Lee, a branch manager, felt that his boss, the divisionexecutive, was always micromanaging him and had stepped over thebounds by scheduling a meeting with one of his employees without checkingwith him first. He obviously didn't want to offend the division executivewho would be determining the size of his bonus later on. At thesame time, he was frustrated by his manager's seeming disregard for hisneed to manage his own branch. The next day his manager called himabout some reports and Lee casually mentioned, "John, my teller, said thatyou had scheduled a meeting with him. It would make job schedulingeasier if, in the future, you'd let me know of such meetings." That wasit. Lee used a straightforward informing tone that very subtly let his bossknow she had just crossed a boundary. And believe me, he was scared todeath to do it, but it did the trick. The next time the division executivewanted a meeting, she called Lee first and set it up through him.
As for the micromanaging, I told Lee to find out what reports hisboss wanted and, even if she didn't want them, to type up a brief memoof the results and sales activities of the week so she would be informedof everything that was going on. I also asked Lee to set up weekly meetingswith his manager either by phone or in person to give regular updatesof what was happening. After one month of this, his division executivesaid that monthly meetings would be sufficient and that he could discontinuehis weekly reports. Lee had won the confidence and trust of hismanager and now had the independence to do his job.
Another client, Marcia, had recently made a huge transition frombeing a full-time engineer and the primary breadwinner of the family tobeing a full-time mother of three children. She had decided at the birthof her third child to quit her job and take a few months off to enjoy motherhoodand get started on her home-based business. The sudden and dramaticreduction of income was stressful, and Marcia felt guilty that shewas spending but not earning money for the family. To compound matters,she discovered that people would make little comments all the timeabout her that made her feel bad, such as, "Well, you're not working nowso you should have plenty of time to bring in clients for your business."Or comments that diminished her sense of accomplishment, such as, "Itmust be nice to hang around the house with the kids all day and have yourhusband support you now." I pointed out that she was missing the boundarythat people can't disparage her work. This was a revelation and sheimmediately put it in place. The next day her husband had to take her tothe hospital, and when the nurse asked what Marcia did her husband said,"She stays at home." Marcia felt diminished by this comment but realizedthe boundary had been crossed. Later, she informed her husband aboutthe comment he had made at the hospital. He didn't mean it in a negativeway at all, but just thought it was the easiest response. Marcia askedhim in the future to say that she was a business consultant and to give outher office number. He was glad to do this.
Which brings up another point. When you inform people, the wholepoint is to give them a graceful exit. However, oftentimes we don't let themtake it. This defeats the whole purpose. Let me demonstrate. Take theexample with Marcia. When Marcia's husband replied, "I'm sorry, I didn'tmean it to sound that way," Marcia might have said, "Yes, you did! Yourat fink #@$%%!" Don't laugh—we've all been guilty of this. Let themoff the hook. If they don't apologize, it is okay to ask for one. "I'd like anapology for that." Sometimes an apology isn't enough, and you may needto ask them to make amends. "I appreciate your apology for spilling redwine on my linen suit, but I'd also like you to pay the dry-cleaning bill."
Our natural tendency is to skip steps 1 and 2 and go right to 3 or 4—usuallynot in a neutral tone of voice, either. The trick to staying neutralis to address things on the spot (Tip 7).
The good news is that eventually you won't even need these boundaries—peoplewouldn't think of making an unkind remark to you. Thereis another interesting side effect to enforcing your boundaries. We assumethat enforcing a boundary will make people dislike us or think we arepushy or aggressive or perhaps demanding. However, it is the exact opposite.When you have strong boundaries in place, people will stop treatingyou like a doormat and start respecting you. You'll be the kind ofperson people naturally respect and treat courteously. When I was a littlegirl in the first grade, a big bully of a fifth-grader (and you know howbig fifth-graders look when you are in first grade) was always picking onme and threatening me. I told my dad, and he taught me how to throwa punch. One day on the playground Mark was with a bunch of his friendsand started to taunt me. I spun around and punched him right in thenose. To my own shock and amazement, he fell flat on his back and hada bloody nose. His friends stood around him, jaws agape, as shocked asI was. I was terrified that they would tear me from limb to limb anddecided to get out of Dodge and literally skipped off. The next day atschool I was wary, but to my complete amazement, Mark came up to meand treated me with great respect. He stopped bullying me, and we actuallybecame friends and went frog catching together. Once he went tobuy my next-door neighbor friend, Jamie, and me a soda and he droppedone of them on the way back. He gave the dropped one to her, not tome. I had won his respect. This kindergarten story is a great example ofhow effective and powerful boundaries are. Now of course I'm not suggestingthat you go around punching people in the nose—but do startinforming and requesting.
At some level people know when they are doing a number on youand they don't really want to get away with it. If you let them get awayit, not only do you diminish yourself, but you also diminish them. Whatboundaries would you like to put in place now that you know how toprotect yourself gracefully? See if you can come up with at least five andwrite them down.
Continues...
Excerpted from Coaching Para el Exitoby Talane Miedaner Copyright © 2002 by Talane Miedaner. Excerpted by permission.
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