Dating, Mating, and Manhandling: The Ornithological Guide to Men

Book by Frances Lauren

Chapter One

Get Flocked: Discovering the Fundamentals of Flirting

I was eleven and watching Gone With the Wind. I sported braces, freckles, and octagonal glasses. Mesmerized, I watched as Scarlett O’Hara clung to her bedpost as she was laced into her terrifically tiny corset. Then Atlanta burned and she survived the Civil War and made a fetching green dress from her living room drapes.

But it was the picnic scene at the Hamiltons’ that would etch itself forever into my impressionable mind. There Scarlett stood, hooped-out and surrounded by a huge flock of men. And as she basked in the center of all that fabulous male attention, she looked just like the cat that ate the canary!

“Now how on earth did she manage that?” eleven-year-old me marveled. It would take some years before I would fully understand her man- catching secret.
Scarlett Deconstructed

Scarlett O’Hara possessed the mind-set of Flock Consciousness. By not focusing exclusively on any one suitor, she lured an entire flock of Lovebirds, and wisely kept her options open. Scarlett was flirtatiously multitasking!

She had every boy at Twelve Oaks eating out of the palm of her hand. “Why yes, Mr. Hamilton, I’d love some more lemonade, with lots and lots of chipped ice.” And she needed it because she was on fire.

Several years later, braces off and contacts in, I donned a halter- top and a little too much Bonne Bell blush and went to my first high school party. I intuitively practiced what Scarlett had taught me and allowed a flock of boys to gather around without making the silly mistake of getting romantic tunnel vision.

This would land me a date with Paul, the star quarterback, his scent an intoxicating blend of Ivory soap and cigarettes. And also Ross, a towheaded junior who walked me home the next day after soccer practice. His dazzling white teeth would leave a small hickey that my mother would notice and ground me for later that weekend.

My romantic career had officially begun!
What’s Good for the Goose Is Good for the Gander

The most common mistake single women make is to prematurely take themselves off the market simply because “someone likes them” (otherwise known as the One-at-a-Time Man Plan).

This misstep can happen during any phase of dating, and is a genetic holdover from the millions of years that women spent picking berries on the tundra. It makes us want to quickly give up the hunt and become “instantaneously monogamous” to a viable suitor once he’s been found.

Warning: The problem is that most men like to date women exactly the other way around.

man fact: Men, even the ones you think are really nice guys (like architects) believe that it’s not only normal, but actually preferable, to have several sexual options (women) waiting for them in the wings.

Men don’t think that this approach is wrong as long as they haven’t stepped up and made a verbal commitment to any, some, or all of these women. On the contrary, most men subscribe to the Male String Theory of Dating.

Boys were learning much more than teamwork in Little League. They also learned the value of rotating the talent. When little boys grow up and become men, they’ll apply this principle to their love lives, too. It’s ingenious when you understand how it works . . .
The Male String Theory of Dating

A single male has his starting lineup of MVPs, then his Second String Girls, who like him just a little more than he likes them, and finally his Romantic Replacements, who are kept in a holding pattern on the bench.

His MVPs are usually the women he thinks he’ll have mind-blowing sex with. The rest are put into romantic rotation.

Men don’t feel one shred of guilt about it because, after all, they’re not married, so they don’t have to act like they are. Maybe they have a point!

The Male String Theory of Dating hinges upon the “If you’re dumb enough not to ask me, I’m not gonna be stupid enough to tell you” policy.

Sidebar: It’s amazing that more women don’t ask the men they’re dating if they’re currently sexually involved with other women, or how many! If they did, they’d be shocked by the answer.

romantic rule: It’s not prying or rude to ask the men you’re sleeping with about the competition you’re up against, to find out the real odds of contracting STDs—or actual commitments—from them.
The Solution!

The only way you’ll find the right man is if you feel confident rejecting the wrong men fearlessly. When you’re clear about your needs and know how to communicate and commit to them, you’ll quickly assess the real value of the men who court you, and free yourself from the ones who need to be dropped from your flock.

The Good News: If you’re one of the MILLIONS of women who’ve been lulled into thinking that you’ll get what you want by passively wishing and waiting, or by throwing terrible fits, this is your lucky day.

romantic rule: Unless men take themselves out of the field for you, don’t take yourself out of the game for them!

Please put your hand over your heart, slip into your sexiest stilettos, and repeat after me:

The Romantic Researchers Hippocratic Oath

I vow to never again give the precious gift of my exclusivity to any man, no matter how rich or how hot, until he steps up and offers me the kind of relationship that I truly want. Until then, I’ll be free to fly at the apex of my own flock of suitors. They’ll naturally fall into a pecking order over time, until one day I notice that someone has been happily flying right beside me, with no intention of flying south without me, and I’ll have found my lovebird after all!

Now grab your keys and follow me. Let’s get flocked!