The Dr. Drew and Adam Book: A Survival Guide To Life and Love

Book by Adam Carolla Drew Pinsky Marshall Fine

The Difference Between Genders
Q: Is there a secret guys need to know to understand women sexually?

Adam: I hate to sound crass but the reason they call it pussy is because, well, it's like, you can handle a cat like you handle the vagina--here's the deal.  A cat is really a vagina with paws.

If you approach the vagina like you approach a cat, see, a cat will let you know immediately.  If you goose the cat or you smack the cat, it's out of there.  Take a cat--and I don't get an erection or anything around cats, it's just an analogy--you can't go against the fur grain.  You can't just grab its head.  That's why a cat never hangs out with a kid, because a kid grabs the ear and starts bending it in weird directions--and the thing is out of there.

First off, you have to approach a cat slowly or you can't even really approach it.

You can't go running up to it.  It's out of there.  Same with the vagina.  You can't charge at the vagina--you have to move in slowly.  Put your hand out, let it sniff it a little bit, make sure everything is cool.  Then even move in and wait for the vagina to come in to you a little bit, you know what I mean--sort of work rhythmically, no poking, no roughhousing, no going against the grain, don't change things up all the time, establish a little patter.  The cat will let you know by starting to lean in a little bit.

Dr.  Drew: People ought to practice on cats.

Adam: They really should.  People are going to take this the wrong way and think we're doing weird things to cats.

Dr.  Drew: Use only your hand when practicing on a cat.

Adam: A cat will let you know by purring, by becoming more relaxed, more settled in your lap.  Let's say it's on your lap and you're doing something it doesn't like you can feel it sort of tense up a little, getting ready to bolt off the lap.  And women are the same way.

In fact, I was thinking: Men should approach the vagina like a cat and women should approach the penis like it was a big black Labrador at the beach.  Throw that stick, let it jump for it, let it go back, and then when it comes back, roll it down on its belly and grab it by the scruff of the neck, shake it around a little bit, grab its ears and sort of tug on them.

Dr.  Drew: The question is, how do you get the Lab and the cat together?

Adam: That's the thing.  The Lab will overpower the cat, knock it over.  The cat will try to avoid it.

Dr.  Drew: The cat's not happy.  And this is the soul of the interpersonal experience right here.  A black Lab and a large Persian cat.
Q: Do men and women approach relationships differently?

Dr.  Drew: Absolutely.  Because they approach sex differently.

Q: What's the difference?

Dr.  Drew: Women have an emotional experience and connection through sex that they can't easily let go of.  They're bewildered when a man can.

Men have a more visual, external experience to their sexuality.  You don't see a porn industry for women--you see it for heterosexual and gay males.  It's only men who are driven to consume that visual experience.  For guys, the purely sexual experience can be gratifying.  To a guy, sex is more often about the physical act.

For a female, there's a little more involved in the decision to have sex.  The way they experience it is something totally different.  They tend to experience it as an emotional, connected, intimate experience.  Women have trouble accepting that, for a man, it is often a mechanical, visual, detached experience.  They really need to understand that there's a biology operating here that doesn't motivate men toward higher good.
Dr.  Drew on a Key Difference Between Men and Women

According to a story told about President Calvin Coolidge, he and his wife were visiting a government-run farm one day and they decided to tour the facility separately.  As Mrs.  Coolidge passed the chicken coop, the guide explained to her that the rooster copulated dozens of times each day.  To which she replied, "Please tell that to the president."

When the president was being shown the same coop, the guide felt obligated to repeat Mrs.  Coolidge's remark about the fact that the rooster had sex dozens of times a day.  Coolidge asked, "Is it with the same hen every time?"  Told no, he responded, "Please tell that to Mrs.  Coolidge."

The point is that even with millions of years of evolution behind us men still have the instinct to spread their genes to as many females as possible and can do it with a wide number of women, usually without problems.  But to the female, accepting those genes--and bearing a child--is such a commitment that that the female wants some longer-standing connection with the male in order to take on that responsibility.  Men's relationships can be rapidly changing and unstable; the female wants something more secure and supportive.  Emotional differences aside, that's one of the genetic differences between the two genders.
Q: I've been going out with this guy for a while.  We seemed to be getting along really well, but he tells me he only wants to be friends even though we have great sex.  What should I do?

Dr.  Drew: This is at the core of male/female view of sexuality.  You hear so often that the man can be totally detached emotionally while having sex, while a woman can't believe that he couldn't be sharing some kind of an emotional experience when she's having one.  And you know, if he says he only wants to be friends, believe him.  He's telling you the truth.  And he's not going to suddenly fall in love.
Q: Why can't women approach sex the same way as men?

Dr.  Drew: Because women want something more.  But they're being told that they don't need anything else.

It is the fundamental idea that they experience physical intimacy the same way.  That's what our society tells us.  That was the message of the sexual revolution: We are equal, it's all the same.

And it's not the same.  It is NOT the same.

The sexual revolution--particularly the fact that women could have sex without fear of pregnancy, thanks to the birth-control pill--was never thought through in terms of teaching young women how to create stability in a relationship and find fulfillment in a relationship; it was all about having sex in the same way men have sex.

Women's brains are set up differently.  But the whole women's movement maintains there's no difference between the sexes, which is a mistake.  Women are the ones who get sold short.  They expect they can be the same as men in relationships.  But they have different needs and those needs have to be protected.

Women shouldn't expect to be able to behave like a man or to be gratified when they do.

For men, it's usually a mechanical act; it can be very unemotional.  The biology points toward genetic diversity, to multiple partners.  With a man, the commitment is to the physical encounter.

Adam: My take is a little different.  It's not so much that all men think about is sex but that they think about themselves a lot.  And part of thinking about yourself is thinking about you getting it on.  To me, that's about yourself.  I mean, it's not just all about sex, sex, sex.  It's about you and someone else.  It's about you and business, you and someone else having sex.  This is why guys make worse parents.  And it comes out in terms of sex, but really, when you think about it, guys are just doing their thing.

Dr.  Drew: It's usually an aggressive, outwardly projecting thing.  Outside the home, outside the self.  It's a projection outward that women don't naturally, biologically, do.

Adam: A man can make a career of one-night stands.  Sure, there are a lot of decent guys out there, but even decent guys still think about having sex regularly and that sex doesn't necessarily attach to a relationship.

Here's all you need to know about men.  Why does it seem like every young rock musician and movie star gets himself into trouble with the ladies? Because he can.
Q: Why can guys be satisfied with one-night stands and porno, and women can't?

Adam: Women like visual aids, too.  But for them, they're just that--aids.  For the guy, they can be the whole experience and he can be happy with it.

Here's how guys think.  If you show a guy a picture of Cindy Crawford, his first impulse is, "This is a great-looking woman."

His second impulse is, "Boy, I'd like to have sex with her."

Then somebody tells him, "Well, you can't because she's too smart and too rich and she lives too far away."

So his next impulse is, "If I can't have sex with her, I sure would like to see someone else having sex with her."

It's almost like a reductive thing, trying to get the closest approximation to the physical experience.  What he's thinking when he sees some other guy with Cindy Crawford is, It could be me.

But for women, the closest thing to the act that's gratifying are the feelings attached to it.  ...