First Impressions: What You Don't Know About How Others See You

Book by Demarais PhD Ann White PhD Valerie

ONE

How First Impressions Are Formed

You’re in the waiting room at your dentist’s office. A woman walks in and takes a seat next to you. She smiles and strikes up a conversation. She talks about the People magazine cover story, and comments on how quiet the waiting room tends to be—considering what’s going on inside. She asks you about yourself and tells you a story about something that happened to her earlier in the day. You realize that you really enjoy this woman’s company; she’s fun and easy to talk to. You can imagine being friends with her. Ten minutes later you are called into the office, and you say good-bye.

Have you ever had a similar encounter? One where you met someone very briefly and were left with the feeling that you had a sense of that person? Just by the way she spoke and how she responded to you, you got a feeling about who she is. Maybe you imagined you knew her lifestyle or values, could predict what she is like in other situations, and had a good idea of whether you’d enjoy her company in the future. From a brief interaction you created a rich understanding of someone you just met.

How did this happen? How did you take a small amount of information and create a much larger picture? Knowing the psychology of first impressions—how it works and how you can use it—can give you a guide to deciding how you want to present yourself.

In a first impression, others see only a little sample of you, a tiny percentage of your life. But to them, that sample represents 100 percent of what they know of you. While you’ve had a lifetime of experiences with yourself—you know the full range of your emotions, behaviors, passions, and fears—strangers don’t know anything about you at all. That tiny sample of you is all they have to work with, yet they will unconsciously assume that the sample is an accurate representation of all of you.

Think about the woman from the dentist’s office that we just introduced. She was chatty, lively, and observant. At that moment. But because that’s the only experience you have with her, you will assume that is how she’d be all the time. Why would you think any differently?

Psychological research has shown that people weigh initial information much more heavily than later information when they evalu- ate people. It’s a simple fact: The first information people get about anything—a person, a place, an idea—influences the way they process later information. In other words, people are more likely to believe that the first things they learn are the truth.

For example, if you show a warm interest in people on a first meeting, as the woman in the waiting room did, they may form an impression of you as an engaging and connecting person, and not notice or not care later if you are distracted or self-absorbed. Negative initial information is weighted even more heavily. If you initially appear distracted and self-absorbed, others may ignore your later warmth and interest for a very long time. It can take many positive behaviors to overcome the impact of one initial negative behavior.

THE FILTER

A first impression is like a filter. Here’s how others form an image of you:

1. People take in initial information—they notice your body language, what you say, and how you respond.

2. Based on this initial information, they form an impression and make decisions about what you are like and how they expect you to behave in the future.

3. They then see you through this filter. Everyone likes to think they are a good judge of character, and think “I knew from the first moment I met him that he was . . .” They seek information that is consistent with their first impression and will not look for, or even will ignore, behavior that doesn’t fit their impression of you.

FILTERING ERRORS

Personality or Situation?

While the filter allows people to make sense of information quickly, there are some common errors in the process. For example, people tend to see a new person’s behavior as indicative of that person’s character or personality in all situations, when it may not be. If you meet someone who seems angry, you may think he is an angry person in general. You may not stop to consider whether something has just happened to make him act that way. Maybe someone just cut him off on the road or he just got some bad news. This is a fundamental error that we all make; we tend to see others behavior as indicative of their personalities, or characters, in all situations, rather than the result of a temporary external situation. However, that’s not how we tend to see our own behavior. When we are angry, we probably attribute it to the situation, not to our personality trait.

Halo and Horns

Another error people make is assuming that a person with one positive trait also has a cluster of other positive traits that he or she may not have. For example, you may assume that someone who appears upbeat is also smart, likable, and successful, even though you’ve never seen evidence of those qualities in her. This is called the “halo effect.” People also tend to see negative traits in the same manner—the “horns effect.” For example, we may assume that someone who complains a lot is also boring, unsociable, and weak.
If you understand these common errors of perception, you can better understand how others form an impression of you on a first meeting. And you can be in a better position to present an accurate image of yourself. If you know that others will assume that the tiny percentage of you that they first observe reflects 100 percent of your personality, then you can be careful about what information you present. Realizing that order matters, you may want to show your best qualities before your less charming ones. Knowing that people tend to assume you have a cluster of traits based on a single behavior, you may want to choose the cluster of traits you’ll be placed in. In other words, if you know how you will be perceived and categorized, you can better control the impression you make and ensure that it represents your real self. TWO

How You Make Others Feel

Perhaps you can remember an interaction with someone who made you feel really good about yourself, when you felt respected, valued, and understood. Now try to remember a time when someone’s words or actions made you feel bad about yourself—insulted, unappealing, or alienated.

Do you think about how others feel about themselves after they speak with you? You should. Because what you say and do impacts the way people feel about themselves. How people feel after interacting with you on a first encounter is especially important, because it will impact how they feel about you, at that moment and perhaps permanently. It’s straightforward: If you make people feel understood and happy, they may project that good feeling onto you and feel positively about you. However, if you inadvertently insult them or make them feel ill at ease, they may project inaccurate negative traits onto you. At the very least, they will associate their good or bad feelings with you.

This chapter shows you how these emotions come to play in even very short interactions and explains the different ways you may focus your emotions. Chapter 3 describes more specifically what it means to make others feel good in a first meeting—that is, satisfying the core things people seek out from social interactions: appreciation, connection, mood elevation, and enlightenment. Part II elaborates how specific behaviors communicate these feelings and satisfy core desires in others.

FOUR WAYS TO FOCUS

David, a First Impressions client, is a Wall Street analyst. He was chatting with “Susan” at a café. In the course of their conversation, David told Susan about his interest in the history of New York City and a class he was taking on the subject. He told her about a paper he was writing on the political history of the city. Susan complimented him on his initiative and insights. She said she would be interested in reading his paper. He expounded on some of the key points in his essay. David liked Susan; Susan made him feel good about himself, respected for his ideas, and understood.

Because of her expressed interest and respect for him, David naturally assumed that Susan liked him. But what David didn’t think about was how Susan was feeling or how she was feeling about herself. When the consultant asked him about this in the feedback session, David admitted he didn’t really think about that directly during the simulated date. But, since he felt good, he assumed that she did too. The consultant pointed out that she, as “Susan,” felt informed by David’s ideas, but she also felt that David didn’t care about her very much because he never showed any interest in her, never asked her about herself or her opinions, and made no effort to connect with her.

David’s misunderstanding is a common one. We often assume that if we are having a good time that the person with us must be enjoying herself too. That’s because, when you meet someone for the first time, you often focus on what you say and what you talk about. But how you come across to others is less about what you say or how you feel and more about how you make people feel about themselves in your presence. Every first interaction, even a casual conversation with a stranger on the street or at a party, can have an emotional impact on both individuals.

There is a simple way to look at the different emotions involved. An interaction can affect:

1. How you feel about yourself

2. How you feel about the other person

3. How the other person feels about you

4. How the other person feels about himself or herself

FOCUS 1: HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF

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