The Knot Complete Guide to Weddings in the Real World: The Ultimate Source of Ideas, Advice, and Relief for the Bride and Groom and Those Who Love Them.

Book by Roney Carley

CHAPTER ONE
The Adventure Begins
There's nothing more fun than the week you get engaged. Having a secret, practically exploding with excitement and anticipation, blurting out the news to your best pals, letting your families in on it all. There are a few details to attend to, but your biggest task right now is to linger on cloud nine!
Engagement Length
When your feet finally hit the ground again, the first thing to consider is how long your engagement will be. It'll depend on a couple of factors, such as your ideal wedding date and how much time you'll realistically need to prepare the wedding of the millennium. A typical engagement lasts from six months to a year, but many couples stray outside those boundaries--if you want to get married next Tuesday or two years from today, do it!

In any case, no matter how long your engagement is, build in some break time from all things wedding-related--you don't want to be drowning in wedding planning every single minute from right now until the big day itself. Granted, your nuptials are about the most exciting thing coming or going, but they're not the be-all, end-all, and you need to remind yourselves periodically that normal life is happening simultaneously. You'll be a lot less stressed out if you take your mind off all things canape, carnation, and calypso from time to time. Your single friends, and those long-married, too, also will appreciate a respite from licking envelopes and hearing about the woes of finding the perfect wedding venue. It will make your life immensely more pleasurable and ensure that you remain healthily grounded in the real world--which is, after all, where you're going to be living once you descend gracefully from cloud nine.
Spilling the Beans
It's time to announce that you're taking the plunge. You could run buck naked together across the field during the live broadcast of the Superbowl, with the words "We're getting hitched!" tattooed across your chests. That way everyone you've ever met will get the news. On second thought, a little decorum can go a long way (and your families will probably appreciate finding out a bit more privately, too).
Where the Words

Come From

*Fiance/e: Old French fiance, a promise

*Betrothed: Be + the Old

English treowth, truth

*Husband: Middle English husbonde, householder

*Wife: Old English wif, woman, or possibly based on Indo-European weip, "the hidden or veiled person"
Talking to Your Parents
Share the news with your immediate families first. Unless your folks are already great friends, your best bet is to tell each set of parents separately so that they (1) will be able to express their emotions freely and (2) won't have to deal with the surprise of the engagement and the possible discomfort of having to hug all their new in-laws simultaneously. Traditionally--if you must know--the bride's family gets first dibs on the news.

The greatest way to let Mom and Dad in on your big secret is together, especially if they know and like your sweetie. Invite them over for dinner, or wait until your next planned get-together, and blurt it out. In your perfect universe, they'll leap from their chairs to squeeze you both, crying for joy. (Of course, if you get engaged on a trip or live far apart and you just can't, by all means, call!)

If your parents don't know your intended, this is the perfect time to organize a visit home. However, we don't recommend introducing your one-and-only and announcing your engagement on the same occasion. If you can, wait at least until the second visit. Otherwise, whether you're pressed for time or simply feeling awkward, it's A-OK to go solo when telling your parents about the engagement; in fact, they may appreciate your discretion.

Likewise, you may want to break the news without your partner if your parents:

*Have a problem with your mate-to-be

*Are over-the-top protective

*Have concerns about your religious or cultural differences

*Have seen you go through one (or two or three) messy divorces

*Are otherwise opposed to the concept of you getting married
"You're probably getting bombarded with questions from all directions. If people keep pressuring you about details, don't get intimidated. Whatever you do, don't forget to enjoy those first few weeks."

--Myrna Ruskin,

New York therapist and marriage-stress expert
If need be, telling them on your own means you'll be able to have it out openly with your folks without dragging your love through any unnecessary and unpleasant stress and strain.

If your parents live on another planet--metaphorically speaking--and you don't quite connect, send them a thoughtful letter. If your parents are divorced, make the time to personally let both sides in on your plans. The bottom line: Do whatever feels right to you.
Kids Come First
If you have children from a previous marriage, they should be your first priority--even before your mom and pop. They're the ones who are getting a new stepparent (and maybe a stepsibling or two), and they'll need some time to get comfortable with the idea of becoming the Brady Bunch. Give your kids lots of undivided attention: The two of you should have a one-on-one-on-one with each child. Also organize a fun stepfamily outing (picnic, bike trip, movie and dinner)--you might find that "the more, the merrier" rule is right on the mark. If not, it's probably just a matter of time.
Whom to Tell First
Don't share news of your engagement with your parents first if they've been negative about your relationship. Instead, turn to people you know will be thrilled. After they've showered you with love and approval, then tell your parents; you'll be fortified for the potential hostility.
Don't let your ex-spouse hear about your engagement from the dry cleaner you still share or, worse, Junior himself. If you have children, letting him or her know is not optional. If you're not on speaking terms, drop a polite note with the news saying you're willing to discuss any worries or concerns, provided the skeletons in your relationship closet stay put.
BILL AND EMILY
Proposed January 7, New York City
WHEN BILL WAS READY to propose to Emily, he wanted to do something creative and romantic, something that spoke to her. The solution was obvious: a crossword puzzle. A puzzle devotee, Emily did the New York Times crossword every day without fail. So Bill called Will Shortz, the crossword editor at the Times, hoping he would agree to play cupid. Shortz liked the idea, and the plan was a go.

On the day the puzzle appeared in the paper, Bill played hooky from work and took Emily out for a leisurely day on the town. They went to a cafe, and Emily, unsuspecting, started the puzzle. Soon Emily said, "Look, my name's in the puzzle." A few minutes later she exclaimed, "Look! Your name's in the puzzle, too!"

Emily says she was skipping around the puzzle, and "it seemed very relevant to our relationship." The giveaway clue was "1729 Jonathan Swift pamplet"--"A Modest Proposal." When she finally looked up at Bill, she just said, "This puzzle!" At that point, Bill got down on his knee and asked, "Will you marry me?" After such a memorable proposal, how could the answer be anything but "Yes"?
Engagement Announcements
You may choose to broadcast the news of your engagement to the masses through a published announcement. Or you may decide to wait and publicize the actual wedding later on. If you're recently widowed or divorced, definitely wait to make the announcement; there's no need to place yourself smack dab in the middle of the gossip circle. You also should hold off on the announcement if you don't know when you're actually going to take the plunge, or if you're already having second thoughts about the marriage. (Some couples' therapists specialize in premarital counseling--go now.)
A Family Tradition
A treasured betrothal custom: the European hope chest. The bride's parents would stock a beautifully crafted wooden chest with linens, knickknacks, and other cozy items for her to take to her new home.
Get the Announcement Ball Rolling
Call your local newspaper, your parents' hometown rag, your alumni magazine, and anywhere else you want your engagement announcement to appear and find out the name of the appropriate editor or department. Ask for writer's guidelines or a standardized form, if available. Also ask if there's a fee for publication.

Typically, announcements mention career details about the two of you, your parents' names and places of residence, and your educational credentials (space permitting). Don't include your wedding date if you haven't quite decided, or if you have decided but want to keep people in suspense. (You could include something like "A June wedding is planned.") Do list the date if you'd rather publicize it now than answer a million "So when's the big day?" questions later. If you're interested, ask if the publication accepts pictures. Some publications only print actual wedding portraits, but if they will accept an engagement photo, get an eight-by-ten or five-by-seven glossy taken of your adorable mugs.
Word Up! Sample Announcements
Engagements usually are announced officially by someone other than the Happy Couple (unless they have no close relatives to give the honor to). When composing your announcement, select the textual variations that best reflect your reality, including who will be "sponsoring" (read: "hosting") the wedding and how (dys)functional your family is. Feel free to freestyle, especially if the publication you're announcing it in is hip or humoro...