More Letters from a Nut

Book by Nancy Ted L

MORE INTRODUCTION
 
I fully admit that I bear a certain responsibility for the success and popularity of Ted Nancy. I discovered him, I promoted him, I allowed his name to be associated with mine. So I do accept the responsibility, but not the blame. I want it known that I never encouraged Mr. Nancy. I never asked him to further explore the dark inner passageways of his mind disease that is in full lurid bloom in this new book. I have decided I no longer want this micro-brained sociopath’s ink on my hands.
 
In the beginning it all seemed like just a little mindless fun. “Hey, Dan,” I said to Dan Strone, my good friend, trusted advisor, and super-agent of the William Morris Agency, “let’s see if we can get this crazy guy’s letters published as a book.” Who knows, I thought, maybe people will get a kick out of it. How could I have not seen where it would lead? Why didn’t I think? Am I so drunk on my own cool-medium charisma that I’ve totally lost my ability to discriminate between the sane and the Nancy?
 
Not that I could even surmise what it is that Ted Nancy is actually after. He certainly doesn’t seem to want any of these things—for which he so passionately strives—for very long. He seems to inexplicably flit from one thing to another like a monkey on a fast-food griddle:
 
“I look like Chester A. Arthur and I want to go to a football game.”
 
“I’m painted orange and I need to stay in your hotel.”
 
“I love your fork!”
 
What is his compulsion to disturb innocent, honest, hardworking people? People who are doing nothing more than attempting to conduct their daily business in a dignified fashion.
 
Why write to a wedding chapel in Las Vegas requesting to have sex in their office after the ceremony? And then when they refuse, to not take no for an answer. To write back again and again. “We would really like to have sex in your office.” Does anyone deserve to be accosted in this way?
 
What is even the entertainment value in reading these imbecilic missives? Don’t we want people doing their jobs and contributing to the growth of our nation? Or do we want them sidetracked for hours by this addle-brained, one-man Special Olympics? Do the good civil servants of Las Cruces, New Mexico, really need to step away from their desks to respond to a sub-moronic concept like selling fried chum to the general public through a chain of 1,032 Hungry Mosquito-themed restaurants all supposedly opening on the same day? Does a plastic surgeon need to take time out of his day to deal with a request to have a big toe grafted onto someone’s face where his nose used to be? I think perhaps not.
 
I used to wonder if someday I would even find the real Ted L. Nancy. Now I worry that he someday will find me.
 
–Jerry Seinfeld 
February 1998
 
 
 
560 No. Moorpark Rd. #236
Thousand Oaks, CA 91360
 
Aug 27, 1996
 
Customer Service Dept.
GOOD COOK DINNER FORK CO.
BRADSHAW INTERNATIONAL, INC
9303 Greenleaf Ave
Santa Fe Springs, CA 90670
 
Dear Customer Service Dept.,
I just want to tell you how happy I am with my fork. I use it all the time. In this world of people not giving others credit I just want to say that the Good Cook Dinner Fork company makes a very good fork. Maybe the best fork I have ever used! Certainly better than my spoon.
 
I use your fork on the following: mashed potatoes, melon chunks, cranberry roll, beets, corn, lettuce, cake.
 
Please let me know that the people who made my fork were thanked. They deserve more than just looking at forks all day. Let them know others are out there and they care!!! Thank you.
 
I look forward to hearing from you soon. In the meantime I will continue to use my fork on the following: Sandwich meat, pie, pineapple, imitation crab, yams, rice, gumbo.
 
Will you be coming out with any new fork designs soon? I like my fork, but I want to be up to date on the fork designs. Will there be more prongs? I am satisfied with the number of prongs I have now, but you never know. Thanks for thanking the fork makers for me and writing me back and telling me they were thanked. Thanks.
 
Best Wishes,
 
Ted L. Nancy
 
 
August 28, 1996
BB-1429
 
 
Mr. Ted L. Nancy
560 No. Moorpark Road, #236
Thousand Oaks, CA 91360
 
Dear Mr. Nancy,
 
We received your letter and are very happy you like your fork.
 
I assure you, we will thank the manufacturers of the fork.
 
We are always developing new products, so keep your eyes peeled and watch for a new fork!
 
Sincerely,
BRADSHAW INTERNATIONAL, INC.
 
Brett Bradshaw
Brand Manager