Thug Kitchen: The Official Cookbook: Eat Like You Give a F*ck

SERIOUSLY, YOU NEED TO EAT BREAKFAST

You've heard the same shit a million times, but it's true: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Consider the fact that when you wake up, you haven't eaten anything for 6 to 8 hours--sometimes longer, depending on whatever the fuck you justified as last night's dinner. So you really think it's OK to coast on fumes until lunch? Skipping breakfast is not only lazy but that shit is detrimental to your health. The Harvard School of Public Health found that regularly skipping breakfast increases the risk of a heart attack and heart disease by over 25 percent. Yeah, "oh fuck" would be an accurate reaction.

When lunchtime comes around, if you've eaten breakfast, you'll make smarter decisions instead of desperately inhaling the first edible thing you can wrap your hungry hands on, causing your blood sugar to spike. It's dumb shit like that that leads to diabetes, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol, so keep that blood sugar in check with your morning meals. Breakfast is also a way to get your daily dose of fiber to keep you feeling full. Eat well, eat small meals, and eat often and you won't have to apologize for your shitty attitude or for eating a whole large pizza by yourself.

Oh, you don't have time, or you're not hungry when you wake up? What a unique fucking excuse. Breakfast doesn't take a shitload of time. Sure, there is a whole chapter here with some badass breakfast foods, but do you know what else makes a respectable breakfast? Cold leftovers, which take seconds to eat. Anyone who says you can't have spaghetti for breakfast is a hater. And since when did not being hungry stop you from eating? Ever eat chips by the handful because you're just fucking bored? Yet some toast with peanut butter on it at 7:30 a.m. is just too much to deal with? Don't fucking give us that.

QUINOA OATMEAL

The fiber in the oatmeal helps control your blood sugar and keeps you feeling full until lunch. The quinoa gives your morning a little extra protein because why the fuck not? Start your day right by owning the shit out of it. Serve the oatmeal with fresh fruit, nuts, maple syrup, brown sugar, whateverthefuck will get you through your day.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4

4 cups water
1/2 cup quinoa
1 teaspoon olive or coconut oil
1 cup steel-cut oats
Pinch of salt
1/2 cup almond milk

1 Heat up the water in a kettle on the stovetop or in the microwave until it is near boiling. Put the quinoa in a strainer and rinse that shit so it isn't bitter after you cook it.

2 In a saucepan, heat the oil over medium heat. Add the oats and stir them around until they smell kinda toasty, about 2 minutes. Add the quinoa and the hot water and bring it all to a boil. This won't take long because the water should already be hot as fuck.

3 Once it is boiling, turn down the heat on the pot and let it simmer uncovered. Go check your tumblr or Facebook shit while it cooks for 25 to 30 minutes. It should taste done now, not hard but still a little chewy. Add the almond milk and turn off the heat.

4 Love to hit snooze? Double the recipe and heat up the leftovers all week.

MIXED VEGGIE AND TOFU CHILAQUILES

This dish makes for a hearty breakfast the morning after a big party. If your head is still £ding and your stomach is grumbling, chilaquiles will set your ass straight.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 TO 6

12 corn tortillas
2 teaspoons olive oil
1 block medium-firm tofu*
2 teaspoons soy sauce or tamari
1 teaspoon garlic powder
1/4 cup nutritional yeast ("nooch")**
1/2 medium onion, chopped
1 red, orange, or green bell pepper, chopped
1 to 2 jalapeños, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 to 3 cups fresh spinach
2 1/2 cups salsa verde***
1/4 cup vegetable broth or water
Toppings: avocado, cilantro, jalapeños, pico de gallo

1 Crank your oven to 400°F. Cut your tortillas up into 8 wedges, like a motherfucking pizza. Spread the wedges out on a baking sheet and throw them in the oven for 15 to 20 minutes to dry out. Stir them around halfway through. It's fine if they start to get hard in some spots but don't let them fucking burn.

2 While the tortillas get crispy, grab a big skillet and do the damn thing. Heat up 1 teaspoon of the oil over a medium heat and crumble in the tofu. It might be a little watery, but don't worry about that shit. Think runny scrambled eggs. Stir in the soy sauce and garlic powder and let it all cook together until some of that water cooks off, about 2 minutes. Stir in the nooch, turn off the heat, and pour the tofu into a bowl. Wipe the skillet down and throw that motherfucker right back on the stove cause we ain't done yet.

3 Heat up that second teaspoon of oil over medium heat. Throw in the onion, bell pepper, and jalapeños and sauté until the onion starts to look a little brown, 3 to 5 minutes. Add the garlic and spinach and cook for 30 seconds more.

4 The baked tortillas should be done now, so throw about half of them in with the veggies in the skillet. Add 1 cup of the salsa and 2 tablespoons of the broth and mix all of that together. Add half of the tofu over the whole skillet and then layer on the rest of the tortillas. Top with the rest of the tofu, salsa, and broth and gently stir it around to make sure the layers are coated. A dry bite of chilaquiles can be a fucking bummer, so pay attention. Let this all simmer together for about 5 minutes so that the tortillas soften up and the liquid evaporates. The dope smell of cooking this will drag even the laziest motherfucker out of bed. Believe that shit.

5 Serve right away topped with sliced avocado, a sprinkle of cilantro, more jalapeños, and pico de gallo. Don't share until someone else promises to wash the goddamn dishes.

* You want the kind packed in water that is sold in the fridge at the store, so make sure to drain that shit before you start cooking.

** WTF? See page 10.

*** See page 126 for a recipe, or you could buy that shit if you are feeling super lazy.

BASIC MAPLE GRANOL A WITH ADD-IN IDEAS

Most store-bought granola is more sugar than oats. Why not just buy a jar of sprinkles for your breakfast and save yourself the trouble? If you want sweetness with some bulk behind it, make this granola and see what the fuck you've been missing.

MAKES A LITTLE MORE THAN 5 CUPS

3 cups rolled oats
1/2 cup sunflower seeds*
1/2 cup chopped almonds*
1/4 cup uncooked millet**
1/2 cup maple syrup***
1/3 cup olive oil
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup dried cranberries **** (optional)

1 Heat your oven to 300°F. Line a rimmed baking sheet with some parchment paper.

2 Mix together the oats, seeds, nuts, and millet in a large bowl.

3 In a medium glass, stir together the maple syrup, oil, and vanilla. Pour this all over the oat mixture and stir that shit around until everything looks coated. Add the cinnamon and the salt and stir.

4 Pour all of this evenly over that baking sheet and stick it in the oven for 40 minutes. Stir it every 10 minutes so that it cooks evenly. You'll know this shit is done when everything looks kinda toasted and the oats feel crispy instead of damp. Stir in the dried fruit now if you're using any. Let that all cool on the baking sheet and then store it in an airtight container for up to 2 weeks.

5 Want to mix it up? Try these nut and fruit combos: almonds and chopped, dried apricots or strawberries; walnuts and dried pears or figs; pecans and dried cherries; peanuts and dried apples or bananas. Just use whateverthefuck sounds good to you.

* Basically, 1 cup of whatever nuts you prefer.

** No millet? Fuck it, just add more oats.

*** Legit syrup can get kinda fucking expensive. But so can granola. Save up for the good shit.

**** Or use any dried fruit you like.