Thug Kitchen Party Grub

WAKE AND BAKE SOME SHIT

MELON AND MINT FRUIT SALAD

Damn right we gutted a melon and filled it with other melon chunks. That's pretty fucked up when you think about it. Looks good though.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 6 PEOPLE

If you're at a summer picnic, people will be expecting a fruit salad, no question. So roll up with this shit and make everyone else who brought a storebought one look like careless assholes who hate their friends and good food.

2 small melons, chopped up into chunks no bigger than a nickel (about 10 cups)

1/4 teaspoon grated lemon zest

1/2 teaspoon sugar

1 tablespoon minced fresh mint

1 Mix the melon, lemon zest, sugar, and mint together in a big ass bowl. Let this chill in the fridge for a minimum of 2 hours, or you can let it hang out overnight. If you're going for the longer chill, leave the mint out until you're ready to serve so that green is still looking all nice and fresh.

2 Serve cold and appreciate how badass melons are.

We like to do a combo of cantaloupe and honeydew, but use whatever the hell is ripe when you run to the store. All the same melon is chill too if you're super into cantaloupe or whatever.

So fucking fancy. See page 218 if you are lost.

You can leave this sugar out if your melons are just that fucking good, but this shit helps them release a little extra juice and sweetness in case you got one that's doing you dirty.

SAVORY GRITS WITH MIDSUMMER SUCCOTASH

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4, OR YOU CAN JUST EAT IT FOR 4 DAYS AND LEAVE THE OTHER LAZY FUCKS TO FEND FOR THEMSELVES

If you're in the mood for a fancy-looking brunch that will actually fill you the fuck up, then look no further. The creamy grits are like a warm blanket for your belly and the succotash will give you all the protein you need to deal with whatever bullshit the day might bring.

Savory Grits (recipe follows)

2 teaspoons olive oil

1/4 cup chopped yellow or white onion

1 zucchini, chopped

1 red bell pepper, chopped

1 clove garlic, minced

2 cups shelled edamame or lima beans

1 cup corn kernels

1/4 cup chopped fresh basil

1 teaspoon lemon juice

1/4 teaspoon salt

Toppers: chopped chives, fresh basil, dill

1 Make the savory grits (next page, dumbass) and while they're cooking, make the succotash. Grab a wok or large skillet and warm up the olive oil over medium heat. Add the onion, zucchini, and bell pepper and saute that shit until the onion starts to look translucent, about 5 minutes.

2 Add the garlic, edamame, and corn and cook for another 3 minutes so everything gets warmed up. Add the basil, lemon juice, and salt. Stir that shit up, then turn off the heat.

3 Serve the grits up right away and top with the succotash and a couple pinches of the fresh herbs.

Lima beans are more traditional, but we like edamame better. We'll leave the decision up to you.

This is about 1 corncob's worth, but you can get kernels from the freezer if you really fucking have to.

HOUSE RULES

Edamame are just immature soybeans and tasty as hell. You can find that shit already shelled in the freezer near the peas. Don't accidently grab the shit still in the pods and make a ton of fucking work for yourself. #notworthit

SAVORY GRITS

MAKES ABOUT 6 CUPS

3 1/2 cups vegetable broth or water

3 cups unsweetened nondairy milk

1 1/2 cups stoneground grits

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/4 cup nooch

1 Grab a large pot and bring the broth and milk to a boil over medium heat. Gently whisk in the grits and the salt. Don't just dump all the grits in there and get them all clumpy and fucked up from the start. Bring it all to a boil and then reduce that heat to low. Cover the pot and let that deliciousness simmer for 20 to 30 minutes. Stir the fucker on occasion, because if it gets too hot, it's corny ass will stick to the bottom.

2 When the grits have absorbed most of the liquid and are tender, turn off the heat and stir in the nooch.

Almond milk is fine, use whatever you want.

Not that instant shit.

WTF? See page 231.

LAZY-MORNING FRITTATA

MAKES ONE 9-INCH PIE, ENOUGH FOR 4 TO 6 PEOPLE

A frittata is like a savory cake you can munch on all morning while deciding when the fuck you're gonna get in the damn shower. It's okay if you don't, because this frittata loves you no matter what.

1 tablespoon olive oil

1 medium yellow onion, chopped

2 red bell peppers, roasted and chopped

1 1/2 cups finely chopped broccoli (about the size of chickpeas)

1 cup chopped button or cremini mushrooms

3 cups chopped kale or spinach

3 cloves garlic, minced

1/2 teaspoon salt

2 teaspoons dried basil

1 teaspoon dried thyme

1/2 teaspoon dried oregano

Black pepper

1 £d extra-firm tofu, drained

1 cup cooked chickpeas

1/2 cup unsweetened nondairy milk

1 tablespoon lemon juice

3/4 cup nooch

1 tomato, sliced into rounds

Spray oil

1 Warm up your oven to 350°F. Grease up a pie pan or similar-size baking dish.

2 In a large skillet, warm up the oil over medium heat. Add the onion and saute it around until it starts to brown, 5 to 7 minutes. Add the roasted bell peppers, broccoli, and mushrooms and cook until the mushrooms start releasing their liquid, about 3 minutes. Add the kale, garlic, and salt and cook all of that together until the kale starts to wilt, 3 to 4 more minutes. Add the basil, thyme, oregano, and a dash of black pepper and cook for 1 more minute to warm up the herbs, and then turn the fucking heat off.

3 Throw the tofu, chickpeas, milk, and lemon juice into a blender or food processor and run that shit until it looks sort of smooth. A couple of chickpea chunks are cool, so don't stress. Pour this into the skillet full of veggies, sprinkle in the nooch, and mix it up so everything is combined. Spread this all into the greased pie pan in an even layer, place the tomato slices on top, spray with a little oil, and throw that fucker right in the oven.

4 Bake until it looks set and is kinda golden around the edges, 30 to 40 minutes. Let it sit for about 15 minutes before slicing so it doesn't just fall apart. Cut into slices like a pie and serve warm.

WTF? See page 217.

This is about two-thirds of a 15-ounce can of chickpeas. Just save the rest of that shit for a salad or something.

WTF? See page 231.

CINNAMON APRICOT FRENCH TOAST

MAKES 6 PIECES OF FRENCH TOAST, BUT IT'S EASY AS HELL TO DOUBLE OR TRIPLE FOR A BRUNCH CROWD

This contains some of the dopest shit in life: cinnamon, apricots, and French fucking toast. If you disagree, then clearly you don't appreciate the simple things and you should GTFO of the kitchen.

BATTER

2 cups sweetened vanilla nondairy milk

1/4 cup packed dried apricots

1/4 teaspoon grated orange zest (optional)

1 tablespoon ground flaxseed or chia seeds

1 1/2 teaspoons nooch

1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon

Spray oil

1/2 loaf day-old crusty bread, cut into six

1/2-inch-thick slices

Maple syrup, cinnamon, and fresh fruit, for serving

1 Make the batter: Grab a small saucepan and dump in the milk and apricots. Let that shit simmer over medium heat for 5 minutes and then let it cool for another 5.

2 Pour the cooled milk/apricot mixture into a blender with the orange zest (if using) and ground flaxseeds. Blend that bitch up until it looks mostly smooth.

3 Pour the batter from the blender into a pie pan or similar-size shallow dish and then slowly stir in the nooch and cinnamon. SLOWLY, GODDAMMIT.

4 Warm a griddle over medium heat and spray a little oil on it so these fuckers won't stick. Soak your bread slices in the batter for a couple seconds on each side and then throw them right on the griddle. Cook until they look golden and tasty all over, 1 to 2 minutes a side. Serve with maple syrup, an extra dash of cinnamon, and some fresh fruit if you're feeling Frenchy.

We use almond, because, well, fuck all the other milks.

About 11 quarter-size apricot halves if you really stuff those bastards in there.

No clue how to zest? See page 218.

WTF? See page 231.

HOMEMADE TORTILLAS WITH MIXED FRUIT COMPOTE

MAKES 8 TO 12 TORTILLAS, DEPENDING ON HOW BIG YOU LIKE YOUR TORTILLAS

Serve the warm tortillas with a little coconut oil on the side to smear on if people want.

TORTILLA DOUGH

2 cups flour (whole wheat pastry, whole wheat, or all-purpose)

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/4 cup olive oil

3/4 cup water

1 tablespoon lime juice

FRUIT COMPOTE

3 cups of your favorite fresh or frozen berries (chopped into bite-size pieces if necessary)

2 tablespoons orange juice

2 tablespoons brown sugar

1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract (optional)

Pinch of salt

1 First get going on the tortilla dough: In a medium bowl, mix together the flour, salt, and oil so that you get some pea-size clumps of oil all in that shit. Make a well in the center and pour in the water and lime juice. Mix it all together until there are no more dry spots. Still looking kinda dry? Add up to 1/4 cup extra water, 1 tablespoon at a time so you don't fucking overdo it like you always do, until that fucker looks all moist. Shape it into a ball, cover the bowl with some plastic wrap, and stick it in the fridge while you make the compote. Fuck it, you could even do this shit the night before.

2 Now make the fruit compote while that dough chills out: Throw the berries, orange juice, brown sugar, vanilla (if using), and salt into a medium saucepan over a medium-low heat. The berries will start releasing a bunch of liquid soon, so chill the fuck out if you think it looks too dry right now. Bring that shit to a simmer and cook it until the berries start breaking down and the liquid starts to evaporate, 20 to 30 minutes depending on what berries you picked. When it looks like a cross between jam and syrup, remove from the heat and get back to those tortillas. This shit can totally be done the night before too.

3 Grab the dough from the fridge and kinda knead it around in the bowl for a couple minutes. Divide the dough up into 8 to 12 equal portions (depending on how big of a tortilla you want). On a floured surface roll those fuckers out into thin tortilla shapes. You know what you're fucking looking for here. Warm up a skillet or a griddle over a medium-high heat and throw in the first tortilla right now. Cook it for about 30 seconds to 1 minute on each side until it starts getting kinda opaque and toasty looking. Again, you know what the fuck a cooked tortilla looks like. Cook it until it looks like that. These will keep for about 1 week in the fridge.

4 Serve them up warm, and put a big old spoon in the compote.

Strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, all that shit would be good here. If you are all about that one-berry life, don't add anything else.

Optional as fuck, but if you have vanilla in the house don't skip it.

GRITS AND SWEET POTATO BREAKFAST CASSEROLE

MAKES ONE 9 X 13-INCH CASSEROLE, ENOUGH FOR 6 TO 8 PEOPLE

Whether you're feeding a crowd or making yourself breakfast for a week, this savory son of a bitch is a solid go-to. If you need any more reasons to cook this, here are three: 1. Grits 2. Sweet Potatoes 3. Hot Sauce--need we say more?

1 tablespoon olive oil

1/2 yellow onion, sliced

1 1/2 cups grated raw sweet potato

1 medium yellow squash or zucchini, grated

1 red bell pepper, chopped

2 cups chopped spinach

2 cloves garlic, minced

1 tablespoon Bragg's, soy sauce, or tamari

1 teaspoon paprika

1/4 teaspoon chili powder

1/4 teaspoon black pepper

1 tablespoon lemon juice

2 teaspoons vinegary hot sauce, such as Tabasco

1 batch Savory Grits (page 7)

1/2 cup unsweetened nondairy milk

1/4 cup nooch

1 In a large skillet or wok, heat up the olive oil over medium heat. Add the onion and saute until it starts to get browned in some spots, 5 to 7 minutes depending on your drafty-ass kitchen. Add the sweet potato, squash, and bell pepper and saute until the sweet potato starts to soften up, about 5 minutes. Throw in the spinach, garlic, Bragg's, paprika, chili powder, and black pepper and keep on cooking that shit until the spinach wilts down, about 2 minutes. Stir in the lemon juice and hot sauce, then remove from the damn heat. Taste and add more of whateverthefuck you think it's missing. Let that cool while you make the grits or even make this shit the night before and sleep in the extra 30 minutes. You know you want to. (See House Rules on opposite page.)

2 Make the grits just like we say to on page 7. When they are all cooked through, remove from the heat and stir in the sweet potato mixture, the milk, and the extra 1/4 cup nooch (the grits already have nooch in them-- this is extra).

3 Warm up your oven to 350°F. Grease up a 9 x 13-inch baking dish.

4 Pour that whole mess into the baking dish and bake until the edges look golden and fucking delicious, about 30 minutes. Let it cool for a couple minutes before serving.

5 Serve warm with extra hot sauce on the side.

This takes about 1 medium sweet potato and is a fucking workout on your arm. If someone in your place owes you a favor, call it in for this shit or borrow their food processor with that fancy grating attachment thing.

WTF? See page 231.

HOUSE RULES

Get a head start and cook this shit the night before. To reheat it, just cover it in foil and throw it back in the oven at 350°F for 15 to 20 minutes to get warm. Take a longer shower instead because you earned that shit for being so damn clever.

PARTY PLAYBOOK: IT'S BRUNCH, BITCHES

Brunch--because breakfast has come and gone but lunch is just too fucking far away. Seize what's left of your Sunday and wake up your taste buds with some of these dope dishes.

DEVILED CHICKPEA BITES (page 64)

COBB SALAD (page 104)

MELON AND MINT FRUIT SALAD (page 5)

GRITS AND SWEET POTATO BREAKFAST CASSEROLE (page 12) or LAZY-MORNING FRITTATA (page 8)

CINNAMON APRICOT FRENCH TOAST (page 9) or APPLE-COCONUT BUNDT CAKE (page 186)

SPARKLING WINTER CITRUS AND GIN PUNCH (page 196)