Synopsis
Book by Hopson Derek S Hopson Darlene Powell
Extrait
Chapter 1
What Is a Soul Mate?
Soul mates have a special place in the lives of Black people in contemporary American society because they allow us to shed the burdens we carry through the day. In the safe haven created by intimacy, we find a place to speak honestly about ourselves and to heal from the wounds inflicted on us. Most of us are happiest when we have the opportunity to love and be loved; most of us thrive in the close bonds of commitment. As one of our clients said to his girlfriend, "When the world is kicking me and I'm down, it is you whom I look to for support. And I'd like to be able to do the same thing for you."
If you are fortunate, you may have known some intimate couples whose love has endured through times of trouble and times of joy. Their loyalty, support, and commitment to each other have not flagged, even when the circumstances of their lives have changed. They may share common interests, laugh at the same jokes, have similar taste in movies, and travel well together. When conflicts surface, they negotiate their differences in a climate of trust. They feel safe taking emotional risks, knowing they will not be attacked for admitting vulnerabilities. They are often sexually adventurous and committed to fidelity. Each feels comfortable with his or her own racial and spiritual identity and each partner respects the other's differences. Like all couples, they surely have their trials, but even when they disagree or disappoint each other, they avoid becoming bitter or accusatory. In all of their dealings, they find ways to uplift each other and to infuse hope and determination into the hardships of daily life.
But perhaps you have not had the privilege of knowing such inspirational soul mates. Perhaps your parents quarreled constantly as each one sought to gain the upper hand. Or your father was absent altogether and your mother went from one bad relationship to another. You may have been raised by adults who did not readily express emotions or who vented their frustrations on each other. Perhaps you were smothered and overprotected. Maybe your parents were emotionally distant. You may even have been emotionally, physically, or sexually abused.
Most likely you are still paying the price for these childhood experiences. The absence of strong, positive role models almost always leaves scars, and as an adult, you will have to struggle to resolve the experiences of a painful past. If intimacy was unfamiliar to you, you may be so fearful of getting close to other people that you sabotage your own relationships. Or perhaps the emotional void created in childhood was so intense that you scare potential partners away with your feverish efforts to get close. Men and women who grew up without healthy role models may also create unrealistic fantasies about an ideal lover -- and then find it hard to understand why no one meets their expectations.
Whatever your particular experiences, the result is likely to be the same -- you can't find love or you can't hold on to it when you do. A traditional Buddhist aphorism identifies at least part of the solution to your troubles: When the student is ready, the teacher appears. Essentially the same thing can be said for a soul mate. When you have developed a secure sense of your own identity, worked through some of the unresolved conflicts of childhood, feel confident and happy with yourself, and are receptive to a serious relationship, you are ready at last to make a commitment to a special person.
Rachel and Bill have the type of soul-mate relationship that many men and women, married or single, are seeking. Through a forty-year marriage that endured some terrible moments, they nurtured a powerful, intimate, and inspiring connection. When the winds of racism began to blow in their small Arkansas town, Bill headed north to Chicago in search of work; two years passed before Rachel and their children could join him. A decade later their son was killed in a tragic accident and the couple drew close to sustain each other through the terrible pain. Bill was involved in a brief but tempestuous affair and Rachel struggled with temptation, although she eventually decided to resist the advances of a family friend.
Over the years, they have also shared some moments of magic. They cherish six healthy grandchildren, have paid a triumphant visit to their ancestral homeland in the Ivory Coast, and won a community service award for developing innovative programs for inner-city youngsters. In their toughest times and at moments that shined most brightly, Rachel and Bill always valued their love and respect for each other.
The remarkable thing about such soul mates is that they light up everyone around them with the depth of their feelings. A day spent in their presence can be a day spent in serenity. In Beloved, Nobel Prize-winner Toni Morrison's extraordinary novel about love and loss, a slave named Sixo captured the power of a soul-mate connection when he describes his relationship with the Thirty-Mile Woman, named for the distance he'd walk in each direction for the chance to spend an hour with her. Sixo declares: "She is a friend of mine. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind." Such is the potential for Black love.
The Love We Seek
What sort of person can create this type of bond with you? Who is willing to understand and accept you as you are? Who can create a safe space where you feel protected from the often-painful realities of being an African-American in this society?
Our discussions with hundreds of Black men and women over the years have helped us identify some highly valued soul-mate characteristics. There's no shopping list of ingredients, of course, and obviously everyone has differing priorities. Needs also change over time -- it may be important to find a brother with a good-looking body when you are twenty-one, while financial stability and the willingness to commit often become more significant by the time you reach thirty-five. Some women are also discovering that Black men with solid values and respectable, but not glamorous, jobs -- the mail carriers, bus drivers, and office clerks they may once have written off as less than they deserve -- can be worthy and loving mates.
What Black Men Want
Imagine how Black men might be in a world with fewer obstacles and more support. What if we could eliminate the negative images that have been created, not only in the minds of White people but, tragically, in our own minds as well? Haki R. Madhubuti, the poet, essayist, and literary critic, offers this stirring description in his essay "Black Manhood: Toward a Definition":
a lover of life and all that is beautiful, one who is constantly growing and who learns from mistakes. a challenger of the known and the unknown. the first to admit that he does not know as he seeks to find out. able to solicit the best out of self and others. soft. strong. not afraid to take the lead. creative father. organized and organizer. a brother to brothers. a brother to sisters. understanding. patient. a winner. maintainer of the i can, i must, i will attitude toward Black struggle and life. a builder of the necessary. always and always in a process of growth and without a doubt believes that our values and traditions are not negotiable.
With Madhubuti's ideal in mind, let us try to answer the question our sisters keep asking: What does the Black man want from his woman?
She needs to let me admit my need for compassion. Media stereotypes depict Black men as hard and dangerous and our own pride makes us want to convey an image of emotional strength. But the truth is that we confront a cold world every day and want to find some warmth, comfort, and compassion from the women we love. We don't want to be fawned over but we want to be able to let our guard down and have our feelings affirmed. One of our clients puts it like this: "When things are rough, I want to make sure my woman can be a friend to me. I want to be able to talk to her and know that she will be there for me."
In the African tradition, we have a saying that "life at its best is a creative synthesis of opposites in fruitful harmony." Taken literally, it tells us that a Black man may discover his own strengths in moments of great vulnerability. But it takes a supportive and loving woman to see that strength.
She should be comfortable with her own sexuality. Many Black men tell us they are looking for a woman who is sensual and at ease with her sexuality. Some adjectives they use to describe this blend are well groomed, attractive, affectionate, attentive, and responsive. But the stereotype that men are just "looking for a little piece of action" doesn't hold up. In our discussion groups, men say having an orgasm isn't enough to achieve full sexual satisfaction. "Sure, the physical release is important, but so are the emotions that go along with it," said a young attorney. If a woman is uptight or unresponsive, it is difficult to connect with her emotionally.
She should know how to be strong without being hostile. The painful history that has forced Black women to be strong has been a great asset to our families and our communities, but some men feel that women are confusing strength with combativeness. "If her being strong means that we have to fight all the time, then I have a problem with that," said one man, complaining about women who approach relationships as if they are arming for battle. "I don't think a woman has to prove that she is always right to be liberated." He termed his own goal "egalitarian intimacy": "I see us as companions and equal partners, two adults who are going forth and sharing ourselves. I'm not interested in either one of us baby-sitting the other." Women have to be careful not to confuse assertiveness with aggression that may be displaced from earlier, failed relationships.
She should take pride in her ethnic identity and spiritual roots. Men who have a strong sense of themselves as African-Americans often feel that women with similar outlooks can better understand the travails of a Black man's existence in this society. A spiritual foundation, which has historically been central to the lives of our people, also remains important to many men. When it comes to both ethnicity and spirituality, the key to compatibility is not being perfectly matched but feeling comfortable with differences.
She should not have a hidden agenda. Men resent women who bring a set of rigid expectations to their relationship, especially when they aren't candid about them. There's nothing more frustrating than discovering you are being tested or judged without your knowledge. "If you want something from me, come right out and ask for it," pleaded one man at a session we set up to explore the sources of gender conflict.
Men also complain about women who play games, such as flirting with no intention of becoming sexually involved or being deliberately outrageous to provoke a reaction. And they resent being judged by standards they consider irrelevant -- mainstream society, for example, tends to define manhood in terms of financial resources or control over other people, achievements that have little value in a true Afrocentric relationship. "Some women make me feel like I should submit a résumé," said an insurance broker named Stan. "They want to know right away about my job, my paycheck, even my bank account. Those are ugly-acting sisters and I try to stay away from them."
She's got to trust me. A common complaint from Black men is that their women don't trust them to have nonsexual friendships or business dealings with other women. They feel that their romantic partners view them through a lens of suspicion, assuming they are likely to stray off course unless they are constrained by a tight leash. In one of our discussions, a radio producer described his irritation when his girlfriend kept questioning him about a friendship that dated back to his teenage years. "I felt that I was being nagged unfairly. I don't lie to my woman. If I say she is my friend, I need to be trusted about that. I don't want to be in a position where I have to justify having lunch with someone."
She shouldn't put me down. Black men often have a heightened fear of appearing weak or dominated, especially by women. Because of the way they are treated in White society, they are extremely sensitive to perceived threats against their manhood and often bristle if they feel they are being criticized or ordered around. "I want a woman who builds me up, not someone who tears me down," said one man. Men who are struggling to become more assertive and to deal more effectively with the battering impact of racism want encouraging support, not negativity and nagging. They also want women to realize that their visions of success may differ and that they shouldn't be criticized for those differences.
What Black Women Want
Today's Black woman is complex and multifaceted. She is strong, but sometimes wants a man she can lean on. She can take care of herself but doesn't always want to have to do so. She values a brother who is sensitive, who believes in himself, and who can distinguish between assertiveness and hostility. With thanks to Haki Madhubuti, we have borrowed the "Black Manhood" essay as a guide for our own portrait of Black sisters at their best:
a giver of life and all that is splendid. one who learns from the past as she journeys down new paths towards the future. a planter, an explorer, a singer of songs. open to ideas from others. loving and loveable. strong. beautiful. soft and gentle. supportive and nurturing. attentive and caring. a sister to sisters. a sister to brothers. devoted mother. empathetic. assertive and resourceful. carrier and keeper of the culture, at all times believing i can, we can, we must. loyal to family, committed to community. victorious. eternally dedicated to the upliftment of her people.
Like the men, Black women obviously have differing needs. Still, our clinical practice and personal experiences have given us some insight into the question we are so often asked: What do Black women want?
He's got to tell the truth. Honesty is at the top of most lists and the ability to talk about sensitive and personal subjects is typically considered a must. "I don't want my man to play games with me, I want him to be honest," one woman told us. "If we can't be real, nothing else is going to make up for that." Whether the topic is dating other people, making a commitment, feeling blue, or shaping a vision of the future, women want to be able to communicate frankly with their men.
He needs to let me know that he loves me. Openly expressed affection is important to many. "I don't want to guess whether a man loves me, I want to know," said a client named Freddie. "Otherwise, I'm always holding back, afraid to give too much. I want to feel free to be as loving as I can be." We asked Freddie what gave her confidence that she was loved, and she emphasized small considerations -- a man who fulfills commitments, calls to say he'll be late, stays attuned to her feelings, and asks questions about her day. "It's the little, everyday things that show he really cares."
He needs to know who he is. Women who have clearly defined goals and a systematic strategy for pursuing them often value stability and a sense of direction. "I want a man who can say, 'This is who I am, this is what I want, this is how I'm going after it,'" said the owner of a small business. "The avenue he pursu...
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