Intimate Issues: Conversations Woman to Woman - 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex

Book by Dillow Linda Pintus Lorraine

You are standing in the grocery store checkout line, wishing the checker would move more quickly, when you get the urge for a piece of gum. As you reach for a pack of Dentyne, the headline from a nearby tabloid shouts:

ORGIES KEEP MY MARRIAGE ALIVE

Next to this, a woman’s magazine announces:

SEVEN WAYS TO SEDUCE YOUR MAN

Your eyes scan the magazine racks. Every tabloid and woman’s magazine screams a similar message at you. In an attempt to silence them, you look away and study the vegetables in your basket. All you wanted was a piece of gum, but you got more to chew on than you had bargained for! As you contemplate your broccoli, you pray, God, I know sex orgies are wrong, but what about a wife seducing her husband? Where do I draw the line on sexual acts? What is right? What is wrong? Can I be both godly and sensuous? I wish I knew how I should think about sex and how You, God, think about sex.

If you feel confused when it comes to sex, you are not alone. Most women have not grasped God’s view of sex. They are unsure what He thinks because His voice is often lost in the discordant symphony of voices clamoring to be heard. With so many mixed messages, it’s no wonder many are confused.

CONFLICTING VOICES CAN CAUSE CONFUSION
If we listened to the Victorian voices, we’d be confused.
“Don’t talk about it; stay under the covers with the lights off.”
“Do it only in the missionary position.”
“It is only for men.”
“Chin up, honey. Just endure it.”

If we listened to the voices of sexual pioneers, we’d be confused. Psychologists Sigmund Freud, Henry Havelock Ellis, Alfred Kinsey, William Masters, and Virginia Johnson called for women to come out from under their “Victorian covers” and be sexual creatures. While their words contained
positive components, their tone often offended our sensibilities.

Here is how your body works. Plug this prescription into your body
computer and BINGO, it will orgasm. It’s every woman’s right, make
your “personal computer” do its thing.

If we listened to the voices of certain church fathers, we’d be confused. Augustine allowed that sex is good but passion and desire are sin. “For he who is intemperate in marriage, what is he but the adulterer of his own wife.” Thomas Aquinas thought as long as sex was not enjoyed,2 marriage was acceptable for those unable to accept the requirements of monastic existence. Martin Luther had these words to say: “Intercourse is never without sin; but God excuses it by his grace because the estate of marriage is his work.”3 Sex without passion or enjoyment? Intercourse a sin? With such a heritage no wonder Christian women are confused.

If we listened to the voices of mothers, we’d be confused. Of course, some mothers gave wise advice, but others sent negative messages:
“Only ‘those kinds’ of girls enjoy sex.”
“Sex is a man’s thing. You just endure it.”

And the least helpful response: S I L E N C E.
If we listened to the voices of some older married women, we’d be confused.
Many equated sex with duty and often complained:
“Wait until you’ve been married twenty years, it gets old.”
“After two years of marriage, the excitement vanishes. You’ll see.”
“Give him his sex so you can have your children.”

If we listened to the voice of the media, we’d really be confused.
Sex always just happens naturally.
The woman is always instantly passionate, instantly ready. She never needs love, encouragement, or foreplay. Her sexual glands activate atthe unbuttoning of a shirt.
Both the man and the woman know everything, do everything just right, and are instant perfect lovers.
Tiredness vanishes with one passionate look.
Neither the man nor the woman ever has morning breath. The woman wakes up, makeup in place, the man’s hair neatly combed.

Does any of this sound familiar? All of these voices have influenced the way we view our sexuality. God’s thoughts about His gift of sex have been so distorted that many women don’t know what to believe. Some wonder if something is wrong with them.

“In movies making love looks so simple. Couples fall into bed in fits of passion. They catch their breath, and then go at it again. I feel like something is wrong with me. I need foreplay, time to be aroused sexually. I can’t see myself spending two days in bed. I guess I’m just not very sensuous.”

“Sometimes when we make love, I have something on my mind about the children, our home, the gardening, and it’s hard for me to get into lovemaking. What’s wrong with me?”

“I grew up confused about sex. It was obvious my parents avoided one another. Now that I’m married, the magazines at the newsstand say there is something wrong with me if I don’t have this compulsion to
dress up like Jane and swing around the room with my Tarzan. Whom do I listen to? No matter what I do, it’s wrong.”

There is something wrong, but not with these wives. What’s wrong are the voices. On the one hand they whisper that sex is evil, and on the other hand they yell, “Do it!” Anytime, anywhere with anyone. Multiple positions, multiple orgasms, multiple multiples!

This is not what God intended. It’s time to silence the voices who cry in the darkness and listen instead to the One Voice who whispers the truth in the light. Do you hear Him? God is calling you, pleading with you to hear His voice. He who made us has much to say about sex—He invented the idea. Let’s open our ears. Open our eyes. Open our hearts.

God’s voice—His Word—tells us why He created sex.
GOD’S VOICE DECLARES:

“I GAVE THE GIFT OF SEX THAT YOU MIGHT CREATE LIFE”

God formed Adam from the dust of the earth. Then He fashioned Eve from Adam’s rib. He could have continued creating man and woman in this way or chosen from a multitude of other options available to Him. But in His perfect wisdom, God designed sexual intercourse as the best plan for man and woman to create a new life. Beginning in Genesis, we are commanded
to “be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth” (1:28). This may be the only commandment given by God that His people have consistently applied. The gift of sex gives us the unspeakable privilege of creating a child from our love. How incredibly creative our God is!

Some have wondered if God instructed Adam and Eve: “This is what you do to make a baby . . .” We don’t think so. God exquisitely crafted the man and woman’s bodies so that they would mold and fit together. Can you imagine Adam and Eve’s amazement and wonder when they discovered this? And their glorious ecstasy when they held their baby in their arms, a creation of their love?

GOD’S VOICE DECLARES:
“I GAVE THE GIFT OF SEX FOR INTIMATE ONENESS”

“A man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Isn’t this an incredible thought? Two separate beings become so bonded, so connected, so woven together in body, soul, and spirit that God sees them as one being rather than two.

The apostle Paul quotes this verse and expounds upon its meaning. He describes the one flesh between husband and wife as a great mystery. A mystery is usually something secret or hidden, but Paul makes the mysterious plain. God’s Word says our sexual oneness is an earthly picture of the spiritual oneness Christ is to have with His church (Ephesians 5:31-32).

In light of this, how can anyone say God thought sex was wrong or dirty when He, the almighty Creator of the universe, said our physical oneness is to be a picture of the spiritual oneness He wants to have with us? It’s as if God is saying, “Through your lovemaking, I’ve given you a visual picture so that when you experience the beauty of physical intimacy, you will have a glimmer, an earthly idea, of all I desire for you spiritually, a sweet union of your spirit with mine.” Such glorious oneness is almost beyond comprehension.

GOD’S VOICE DECLARES:

“I GAVE THE GIFT OF SEX FOR KNOWLEDGE”

In Genesis 4:1 (NKJV) we read, “Now Adam knew [had sexual intercourse with] Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain.” The Hebrew word for “sexual intercourse” is the word “to know.” Through God’s gift of sex, a husband and wife receive an intimate knowing of one
another that they have with no one else. This knowledge brings a depth to their relationship. Mike Mason says it beautifully in The Mystery of Marriage.

For in touching a person of the opposite sex in the most secret place of his or her body, with one’s own most private part, there is something that reaches beyond touch, that gets behind flesh itself to the
place where it connects with spirit, to the place where incarnation happens.4

GOD’S VOICE DECLARES:

“I GAVE THE GIFT OF SEX FOR PLEASURE”

Would you believe Scripture talks more about the pleasures of sex than it does about “being fruitful” and “being one”? God devoted an entire book of the Bible, the Song of Solomon, to the subject of sexual pleasure in marriage. Many other passages also speak of the joys of married love. Listen toGod’s voice:

Drink from your own well, my son—be faithful and true to your wife.
. . . Let your manhood be a blessing; rejoice in the wife of your youth.
Let her charms and tender embrace satisfy you. Let her love alone fill
you with deligh...